> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://goodoil.news/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # I Couldn’t Make This Story up If I Tried - URL: https://goodoil.news/i-couldnt-make-this-story-up-if-i-tried/ - Published: 2026-10-07T20:00:53.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-07T20:00:52.000Z - Description: Communist lesbian bars, clown college and Mask Karens. - Author: Lushington Brady - Tags: Feminism, Culture Wars If you were to submit this story to the *Babylon Bee* as a satire piece, they’d reject it as too ridiculous a parody of wokeness. That it’s 100 per cent true just shows the insanity of our clown world (and, yes, literal clowning has a small part to play, too). Strap yourselves on, I mean, in: this is the totally factual story of the communist lesbian bar that was cancelled over mask policies in a town that hasn’t had a single Covid case in months. The venue in question rejoiced in the name Last Ditch Bar and Arts Venue, tucked away in the crunchy enclave of Greenfield, Massachusetts. It was founded by three idealistic comrades as a sanctuary for “dykes, transsexuals, gender freaks, workers, and their friends”. In true Marxist fashion, the owners instituted a strictly anti-capitalist entry policy: cover charges were entirely optional and nobody would be turned away for lack of funds. The inevitable result was that nobody bothered to pay and the venture began haemorrhaging cash. Faced with economic reality, two of the founding trio promptly executed a strategic retreat. One simply vanished under the weight of vague health pressures, while the other literally departed to enrol in clown school. You could not make this up if you tried. That left **Jackie Matellian** as the lone survivor trying to hold the smoking ruin together. Unable to pay staff or draw a wage, she saddled herself with a crushing $50,000 personal loan, ruined her credit and took to sleeping in her car while working four jobs just to keep the lights on. Even her attempts to communicate had previously provoked shrieks of outrage from her hyper-sensitive clientele, who denounced her for occasionally omitting alt-text on social media graphics: an unforgivable act of ‘ableist violence’. Staring down the barrel of total eviction, Matellian made the fatal mistake of attempting a modest compromise. In a municipality that had not logged a single Covid case in over two months, she dared to suggest that patrons might go mask-optional for just one evening a week. > [“It is with love](https://www.bostonglobe.com/2026/09/22/magazine/greenfield-last-ditch-bar-backlash/?ref=goodoil.news) we inform our immunocompromised disabled divas we will be opening Saturday nights as mask optional,” wrote Last Ditch. The response was swift, merciless and completely unhinged. The local rainbow collective erupted in apoplectic fury, accusing the exhausted proprietor of orchestrating a “mass disabling event” and promoting eugenics. Commenters openly wished that the struggling dive be firebombed for daring to cater to the unmasked. Desperate to soothe the savage mob, Matellian convened a marathon community encounter, even enlisting a professional mediator to guide the proceedings. It was pouring petrol on a bonfire. The Zoom contingent immediately launched into hysterical denunciations, because the mediator, a licensed therapist, was guilty of being white. One keyboard warrior claimed that a licensed professional constituted an arm of the police state who might have them forcibly committed to an asylum against their will. When Matellian finally broke down in tears under her mandatory KN-95, confessing that she was homeless, living out of her vehicle and drowning in tens of thousands of dollars of personal debt, the online inquisitors were utterly unmoved. A vocal critic, a self-described gender-expansive lesbian using he/him pronouns, sneered at her distress: > “\[Y\]ou chose to use your time to spill tears and center your feelings,” Noire posts in the chat. “This is incredibly racist and deflecting behavior.” You have to extend at least a shred of pity to poor Matellian. She genuinely tried to live out her collectivist daydreams, only to discover that the revolution inevitably devours its most devoted children. It is also a fitting epitaph for the broader cultural scene. Across the Western world, traditional lesbian watering holes have been virtually wiped off the map, bulldozed by the relentless march of the bearded brigade. Yet here, in one of the vanishingly few spaces left, the progressive sisterhood was so thoroughly consumed by lunatic ideological purity tests that they chose to burn their own clubhouse to the ground. The clowns, it seems, have truly taken over the circus. --- 💡 ****If you enjoyed this article please share it using the share buttons at the top or bottom of the article.**