> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://goodoil.news/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # What Are Americans Putting up Their Jacksies? - URL: https://goodoil.news/what-are-americans-putting-up-their-jacksies/ - Published: 2023-01-27T22:30:00.000Z - Updated: 2023-01-27T07:43:49.000Z - Author: Cam Slater - Tags: Fun Stuff, #wp, #wp-post, #Import 2024-07-16 22:34 There are certain traditions we all look forward to with the coming of the Festive Season: the first hot cross buns in stores, lefties whining and complaining about Australia Day, and, of course, *What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?* For the uninitiated, this annual festive tradition is the brainchild of *Defector* blogger **Barry Petchesky**. Every year, Petchesky does the sterling public service of combing through the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s [database of emergency room visits](https://www.cpsc.gov/research--statistics/neiss-injury-data?ref=goodoil.news) in order to discover what weird stuff Americans have been inserting, “accidentally” or not, into their bodily orifice. Here’s some of the highlights, sorted, as Petchesky says, *by orifice, working south*. ### Ear > “Was seen for earache but found to be positive for cocaine metabolites.” > > “Mistakenly used shoe glue instead of ear drops” > > Plastic sword Which begs the question: was it a very big ear, or a very small sword? In case you needed to be told this, by the way: home surgery is generally not a good idea. > “Fruit fly was on her headphone which she put in her ear and felt ‘buzzing’, used hydrogen peroxide to kill the fly but with persistent burning/discomfort in ear, unsure if the fly still alive” > > Cufflink, “Tried using a knife to cut it out but was unsuccessful.” All I can say is, thank god it was just his ear. ### Nose > “Says he was smelling a magnet and it went up his nostril” > > “Put an led light in her right nostril in an attempt to prank her brother but then was unable to get it out” > > Fishing lure Someone’s mate needs to learn to cast better. > “A book or a bug” Well, which was it? Inquiring minds want to know! ### Throat First off, it looks like someone’s career at the circus has hit a road-bump: > Steak knife > > “Patient says he forgot to take foil off foil-wrapped burrito” > > 3 cigarettes Now, one durrie we could understand, but three? And here’s a new one to go on the workplace health and safety videos: don’t eat stuff off the workshop floor. > “Dropped his otterpop onto the floor which was covered in metal shavings from a drill press, and continued to eat the otterpop” Anyway, now we get to the juicy stuff. Gentlemen, cross your legs and read on. ### Penis > Wooden spoon Are we talking the type Mum used to belt us with, or those big ones that hung on walls in the 1970s? > Inflatable sex toy If it was one of those blow-up dolls, someone’s got something to brag about, I guess. So have some others: > Seven-inch silicon tube > > Cell phone charger and 14-inch cord Show-offs. > “Ceiling fan chain in his penis hole, states it has been there since his shower at 9 last night” Was he hoping to start it up like a lawn-mower? Now it’s the ladies’ turn to wince. ### Vagina This is the part where we remind you that the doctor’s notes in these cases usually mean, “Hey, get a load of this bullshit story”. > “Was holding a pen near her vagina when the cap dislodged and stuck inside” > > Two pencil sharpeners I’ll never look at a woman in the stationery store in quite the same way. > “Flashlight placed in vagina by patient at home but had no intention of it becoming stuck” Well, that goes without saying. Camera lens cap > Uncle Ron’s next slide night sure is going to be interesting. > Unscented soap bar > > Perfumed soap bar At least one of these ladies had the decency to think of the poor ER medics. And, now… the main event. Drumroll, please. ### Rectum You know those Billy Bass things that were all the rage a few years back? Now we know where at least one of them ended up. > Plastic toy fish > > Cube-shaped toy Was the patient a wombat? And you know how you’re always losing the 10mm socket? Could be worse. > Ratchet wrench > > T-handle wrench > > “Sent in by wife for possible 16oz glass bottle in rectum” It might have been a demijohn, she couldn’t remember. Remember what I said before about notes meaning “Hey, get a load of this bullshit story” Well, get a load of these. Let’s start with the ol’ reliable, “I was in the shower…” > “Says was in the shower and fell and the shower stopper stuck up rectum” > > “Patient states he has a big toy stuck in rectum. Patient states he fell on top of it.” > > “Had a few beers and then placed a long wax candle into his rectum, lost balance and fell onto a couch and lost hold of the candle” > > “Patient says he was playing with a container of athlete’s foot spray and accidentally it ended up in his rectum” Then there’s the pegging sessions gone wrong. > “Says girlfriend put vibrator in rectum while he was asleep” > > “Patient complaining of rectal pain. Patient admits to inserting sex toys 6 months prior” He’d been looking for them *everywhere*. > “Two poker chips because of a bet” > > [Defector](https://defector.com/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year-3?ref=goodoil.news) Well, hey, when your mates challenge you to a bet, a real man doesn’t back down. Well, that was 2022 in a nutshell, or a butthole, if you will. We can hardly begin to imagine what 2023 will bring. [If You Like What You Just Read,Click Here to Become a Member and Directly Support This Author.](https://thebfd.co.nz/subscription-plans/?ref=104) [If you enjoyed this article please share it using the share buttons at the top or bottom of the article.](#)