The BFD | Chapter Three Part One: People Come to NZ

Do you remember the days of serialised radio shows and novels? A serial book is a work of fiction or non-fiction that is published in sequential pieces called instalments. These instalments can be published at nearly any interval for nearly any period of time, though weekly and monthly instalments are most typical.

Every week we will be publishing half a chapter of Nieuw Zeeland An English-Speaking Polynesian Country with a Dutch Name: A Humorous History of New Zealand by Geoffrey Corfield.

It is a MUST read as it has had the infamy of being rejected by non-other than that bastion of balance, Otago University.

Chapter Three: People Come to New Zealand

Nobody knows exactly when or how people first came to New Zealand (except the Maori who have exact dates for it).

Non-Maori people (known as scientists) think that humans could have somehow arrived in New Zealand from somewhere between 1,000-3,000 years ago (1,000 B.C.- 1,000 A.D.). A more exact guess is 800-1,200 A.D. Another guess is 1,200-1,300 A.D. It is thought that they originally came from either the Society Islands (Tahiti) or the Cook Islands (2,000-2,500 miles northeast of New Zealand).

The bones of Polynesian rats found in New Zealand have been carbon dated to the year 0 A.D. This suggests that the Polynesian rat either came to New Zealand from Polynesia with Polynesian people; or, since the Polynesian rat is not regarded as a strong long-distance swimmer (it prefers the short sprints), and has never been known to paddle a canoe, perhaps floated along in a rat raft formation where groups of rats took turns being the rats riding on the raft, while other rats linked their legs and tails together in the water to form the raft itself. A raft captain would have signalled the shift changes when the raft-riders and the raft-formers changed places. However they did it, the rats somehow came to New Zealand and the year 0 A.D. is yet another guess as to when they did so.

There are actually three theories as to how humans (with or without rats) came to New Zealand (other than on a human raft).

Theory One is that there were two different types of humans who came to New Zealand at different times. The first group, known as the Archaic Maori, settled mainly on the east coast of the South Island. They were an obsolete, outdated people who hunted the Giant Moa and other flightless birds to extinction, burned down forests, introduced dogs and rats, and had no interest in anything to do with warfare or artistic expression, certainly not classical music.

Needless to say the Archaic Maori didn’t stand much of a chance when the second group of humans, known as the Classical Maori, came along later on in whatever period it was when people first arrived in New Zealand.

The Classical Maori were very different from the Archaic Maori. They settled mainly in the North Island where it was warmer and they could wear fewer clothes and go skinny-dipping any old time they wanted to. They were a tribal and very warlike people, who built stockaded villages and during the war season fought other tribes with wooden clubs, ate their enemies killed in battle, and took prisoners to work as slaves and later sacrifice and eat with sweet potatoes which they grew during the other season of the year, the growing season.

They also tattooed themselves all over, wove cloth from flax, made things out of wood including ornamental buildings and wood carvings, and formed symphony orchestras to play classical music. It is thought that the Archaic Maori either eventually all died off, or were eaten or adopted by the Classical Maori who would have found them rather antiquated curiosities to have around the whare (house). Maori at Waitara, Taranaki were once verbally recorded as having “slew the original occupants of the country”. (It is not known of course if this was true or if they were just playing-up for the occasion.)

Chapter Three Part two: People Come to New Zealand will be published next week.