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Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor
Speaking from her NewsHub/Facebook bunker Jacinda Ardern announced today the banning of all dictionaries. The possession of one will result in life imprisonment without trial. All internet dictionaries will be blocked and searching online for one will result in a heavy fine and an extremely frowny face.
“As I have often stated,” she said, “my government will be the most transformative ever – but how can I change the reality of life in Aotearoa if I can’t transform the meaning of the very words I use.”
“Precise language and the accompanying dictionaries are a hindrance to progressive progress.”
“I have take onboard what my comrades in the Joe-Biden-fronted presidency of the US are doing. They have transformed the word ‘infrastructure’ to mean anything they wish, like health care – shoveling money into pork barrels even.”
“It is best that only I understand exactly what I am saying.”
“So, whatever I said in the past could mean the opposite of what I say today.”
“All those who need clarification on anything I have said can go to my official explainer reporters at Stuff or 1 News – your trusted news sources”.
She also announced that New Zealand would now officially be the last country in the world to be completely vaccinated.
“First or last – such things do not concern me,” she said. “I don’t even think of them, both positions are ahead of the pack anyway.” “It depends where you have your head placed – my new transformative philosophy – a win-win all round”.
Andrew Little Explainer Editor:
Treaty Minister Andrew Little clarified comments he made regarding Tribal claims for Foreshore and Seabed the length of New Zealand which caused an uproar in Labour’s Maori caucus and a private censuring from Mania Mahuta.
Speaking in a contrite manner, with a concerned face, he said, “my comment in a recent interview that it would take 20 years for all the claims to be heard and settled was confusing.”
“To clarify,” he said, “it is taken as a given that Labour recognises Maori own the foreshore and seabed, that is not what is before the courts – it is sorting out which Iwi owns what, that will probably take about twenty years as there are overlapping and competing claims.
“Hopefully this will all be settled in time for Aotearoa’s constitutional transformation from a democracy to a tribal republic in 2040 as laid out in the ‘He Puapua’ document’s guidelines and timetable.
“So a humble apology to all Maori, I hope I have now made everything quite clear.”
He Puapua Explainer Editor:
‘He Puapua’ – the title of the document laying out Labour’s steps to gifting full sovereignty over the country to Rangatira (chiefs) – has now been translated into English for the small minority of people that do not understand Maori or are not fluent speakers.
The english translation is: NZFUBAR – an acronym – New Zealand Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
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