Information
Satire
Labour Government Explainer Editor:
Rumours of a coup against Jacinda Ardern which have been circulating for months amongst the nation’s journalists have now materialised.
According to sources within the Labour Party, there is dissatisfaction about Jacinda Ardern’s handling of everything from Kiwibuild, rent rises, He Puapua and Three Waters to house prices, money for the Mongrel Mob, border control fiascos and vaccine rollout. You name it – everything’s a shambles.
No date has been set for the coup but, according to one world-famous in New Zealand talkback host who has not been wrong about anything in the past, it is not a matter of if but when.
Andrew Little is expected to be in the front running for leader and PM after his book comes out soonish.
Entertainment Explainer Explainer Editor:
The recent spate of people making a bolt for freedom in locked down Tamaki Makaurau has caught the eye of Hollywood moguls.
Initially, they thought Tamaki Makaurau was some obscure settlement in Aotearoa (where ever that is) but when it was pointed out that it was Auckland, New Zealand they became very interested.
New Zealand’s lockdown regime is one of the harshest in the world, so the idea of people making a run for it against all odds has world interest and is guaranteed to make a blockbuster movie.
Well known actor, Random Dude, will play the leading role while it is touted Jacinda Ardern will play jailer and very camp commandant, Colonel Klink.
Jacinda Ardern has caught the eye of Hollywood professionals for her ability to do costume changes with ease and move from bubbly girl next door to Medusa-faced nightmare, looking daggers in a blink of an eye.
Also, her ability to pull a concerned face or toothy smile on cue is legend.
Sources say she could have a stellar career in Hollywood if she so chooses.
When contacted for comment the Prime Minister’s department said the film sounds great, it will be a boost for the New Zealand film industry and once again will put New Zealand on the world map.
However, Hollywood sources say the movie will most likely be filmed in North Korea rather than New Zealand due to Jacinda’s restrictive Covid regime, and no one can find Aotearoa on a world map anyway. Apparently, for some unknown reason, Maori globes and maps are in short supply worldwide.
Royal Gossip Explainer Editor:
After Prince Harry and his wife Meghan were pictured on the cover of Time‘s yearly 100-most-influential-people-in-the-world issue, questions were asked about the rapid loss of height the prince had suffered recently. He was pictured at exactly the same height as Meghan and some commentators were wondering whether Meghan’s cover shoot had been photo-bombed by one of the bearded dwarfs from The Lord of the Rings.
In a special exclusive to TWE, Prince Harry explained he has had his legs surgically shortened as part of his call for equality in marriage. Just leaning in isn’t enough, he said, one has to stand behind one’s partner in a respectful equal way if one is to banish sexism and the white patriarchy to the dustbin of history.
Covid-19 Fact Checking Editor
A bizarre row between Nicki Minaj, Boris Johnson, Chris Whitty and Piers Morgan broke out last week following a controversial tweet from the pop star who took to Twitter on Monday, September 13, to share an anti-vax impotence myth. The pop star tweeted:
“My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen”.
She also tweeted what was purported to be pic of her cuzie’s friend’s testicles. See below.
The Woke Examiner’s fact-checking team has found that they are not her cuzie’s friend’s testicles nor are they Helen Clark’s – as ‘conclusively’ proved by fact-checkers at the government-funded extreme left disinformation conspiracy theorists’ blog, Stuff – but a picture of some poor unfortunate with elephantiasis and nothing to do with the covid-19 vaccine at all.
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