Many people ask me why it is that I avoid investment or doing business (if it can possibly be avoided) in New Zealand altogether; today I shall give you some hilarious, classic examples of why that is. Don’t choke from laughing too much. Although, rather amusingly, whenever I answer the question with similar examples to those below, I am usually met with bewilderment (possibly because whomever I am speaking with recognises himself and most people he knows).
In order to (not sure “succeed” is the right word, invariably it’s the opposite) get promoted or raise large amounts of (soon to be lost) other people’s money in corporate New Zealand, your sole requirement is to speak in utterly moronic ‘management-speak’ twaddle. People who do so can go far; until the money runs out.
The first example is Bremworth, the carpet people: their glory days are long, long behind them and their share price has been sick as a dog for around a decade (having missed at least two sharemarket booms). You only need look at their latest annual report to ascertain why.
Some advertising guru – can’t you just imagine the sort of person who thought this up? – gave them the bizarre slogan “Let’s Go Good Together”. ‘Let’s go mangling syntax together’ would be more appropriate, but one has a sneaking suspicion they attended a state school where illiterate moronry is commonplace and rewarded. It goes on with illogical nonsense such as “A sustainable future has started” (hint: the future started quite some time ago), and the newly appointed CEO felt the need to congratulate himself – whilst being unshaven – to prove how ‘right on’ and ‘hip’ he is.
I only wish I was making this up, dear reader – as, presumably, do the poor unfortunates who own the shares.
Then there is a company called Plexsure Group: share price down 75 per cent from a year ago as I write this. Having spent much of this afternoon reading their website I still have not the slightest notion of what they do – what business they are actually in. If you think of, say, Air New Zealand or Spark or Genesis Energy, it’s clear what they do. Plexsure group, however, mystifies me.
If anyone knows what “The foundation for creating magic. Plexure Personalization is the core of Plexure’s mobile engagement solutions, where magical moments begin. It is the engine that enables you to configure the multiple data points that make up your personalized campaigns. With Plexure Personalization, you can use this data to deliver customized offers and content and refine product recommendations” means, feel free to let me know.
Another company is called Me Today (syntax again). Its share price has dropped 80 per cent in one year. I’m also slightly unclear what they do: the website states “Instead of slowing down, we believe in stepping up. We say it’s okay to want more from your life and from your body. This is why we created a range of products to help you unlock your best tomorrow.” Fair enough, I think.
Then it goes on to state “effective and easy to swallow”, along with “performance and efficacy”. (Oh! I think it’s a chain of gay brothels!) Whatever business they are in, I note it’s not going well and they’re having to do a capital raising. Fancy that!
If you think it’s just creating a Maori ethno-state that will end New Zealand as a first-world country, never fear – the businessmen are doing their bit too. But what do I know?
https://www.nzx.com/companies/MEE
https://www.nzx.com/companies/PX1
https://bremworth.co.nz/attachments/bremworthfy21annualreport-dt20210930183156541.pdf
