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Clarke Gayford Explainer Editor
Speaking in a conference call from her Newshub/Facebook bunker, the Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern revealed the delightful birthday present Clarke gave Neve – a V8 ute.
“It’s all legit,” she said, “as it is sponsored… by the tax payer”.
Another world first for the first man which rivals his other world first: changing Neve’s nappy in the UN foyer.
Also speaking in the conference call from his 9 metre cabin cruiser somewhere off the coast of Aotearoa, Clarke said it was hard work trying to get Neve to make up her mind between a Rolls-Royce Sweptail, a Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita or a more useful but mundane UTE.
A captain’s call was necessary as her mummy is going through a fiscal prudence phase at the moment: so a UTE it was – she can have the others when she gets older anyway.
She is the envy of all three year olds throughout the country.
Of course, she won’t be driving it as Clarke will be acting as a chauffeur with the bonus that in downtime he can drive it for his own personal use.
His other UTE is past its use-by date as it is up to the windows in old pie wrappers, crusts, ciggy butts and empty coke cans and has a hideous rotting fishy smell which has proven difficult to get rid of.
Jacinda’s UTE Policy Explainer Editor:
Jacinda Ardern has announced new climate change measures to save the world from the destructive effects of UTE ownership.
You will need a licence to own a UTE.
A UTE buy-back programme will be instigated for those that are not legitimate.
“UTE ownership,” she said, “is a privilege not a right and only central government should have the right to grant ownership – with me having the final say.
Licensing will be administered by the police and local Iwi. Only an approved, fit and proper person will qualify.
Gang members will be exempted from the need for a licence.
Bicycling Explainer Editor:
During his comeback speech at the New Zealand First conference, Winston Peters emphasised the need for a handbrake on Jacinda Ardern’s Government.
“We would have never agreed to the cycleway bridge over the Waitemata harbour,” he said. “There is a better alternative – Clip on pontoons for bicycles, a much more eco friendly approach for those who wish to cross the harbour”.
“A couple of hundred pontoons situated at launching points on both sides of the harbour would be more than suitable.”
“At a cost of around $100,000, they would be fiscally prudent and could leave nearly a billion available for more Shane Jones Northland pork.”
He also ripped into Ardern’s renaming of New Zealand as Aotearoa accusing it of being a sly way to make his party disappear.
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