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Gordon Lightfoot
whakatakitimes.nz
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Satire
OUT OF WORK EPIDEMIOLOGIST
Now that facemasks are not required anywhere apart from “healthcare settings”, former TV mask-nagger Dr Michael Baker is on the hunt for a new job.
The epidemiologist has reportedly begun searching the popular job listing website, Seek, in an effort to get some money coming into the Baker household again. While it’s been tough, the familiar-faced government advisor remains hopeful.
Baker sat down to chat with the Whakataki Times at a popular Wellington cafe, choosing to wear his facemask as an act of kindness to the immune-compromised, who are apparently everywhere.
“It’s tough out there at the moment. The demand for epidemiology work has really dried up lately. It’s like people have forgotten that we’re in the middle of a pandemic!” he claimed fraudulently, as all countries continue winding back Covid guidelines.
“Cases are on the rise in Wellington and the Hutt, and I think it would be prudent for us all to take an ultra-cautious approach, and mask up for the rest of the year.
“The virus is just waiting for people to get complacent, and that’s when it will strike!” said Baker as he dangerously attempted to suck hot coffee through a straw rigged up to his face mask.
“Anyway, I’ve put a proposal together for the Ministry of Health, offering to give helpful lectures about mask-wearing in hospitals. I’m sure my services would be welcome since healthcare settings are now apparently the only places where germs live!” said Dr Baker, rolling his eyes at the thought of it.
“This government doesn’t know anything about germs do they? Everyone knows germs are everywhere! Obviously, the safest option is to wear a mask at all times and never lay eyes on another human face ever again,” he said while banging his little fists on the table.
Dr Baker cut the interview short when he decided it was time to rush to the cafe bathroom, but not before putting on two additional facemasks.
More to come.
