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Satire
Rissole Brindle – T.W.E. Broadcasting Explainer Editor:
Early in the new year, the Prime Minister, Her Royal Highness, Jacinda Ardern will merge TVNZ and RNZ into a single public broadcasting entity.
Speaking From Jacinda Ardern’s Facebook Bunker deep in the bowels of the Beehive, the Minister of Broadcasting, Kris Faafoi, outlined the changes.
“Broadcasting,” he said, “enables us to enhance cultural and social values of diverse Aotearoa by providing a podium for Jacinda to increase her personal well-being by being the single source of truth.
“I have concerns about the broader media environment as well. Especially in television, media are increasingly unable to meet the needs and interests of our dynamic and diverse cabinet.
“Increased competition from international content providers, declining revenue shares, and a transformation in audience behaviour are driving changes in the media’s operating environment.
“In other words, no one one is watching, advertisers have left and they are all broke.
“This can all be fixed by rolling them all into one, with a large injection of freshly printed resources from the Finance Minister and running everything from Wellington.
“This will simplify things as at present all news stories are written by the multitude of ‘explainers’ working out of Jacinda’s offices.
“News of the day will now go to just one set of presenters so no need to double or triple-up.”
It must be obvious that the media need winnowing to separate out a minority of troublesome irritants.
The merging will helpfully create a large number of redundancies, and those best qualified will find rewarding fruit picking jobs made available by the permanent closing of our borders.
Fortunately, TV3 will be left to wither on the vine.
Impeccable top expert sources have revealed that Clarke Gayford, with his extensive experience in broadcasting, has been shoulder tapped to head the new entity.
In a world-first streamlined management system, he will be directly answerable to Jacinda.
Broadcasting Aotearoa will truly be the single source of truth.
Top tip for a carbonless Christmas:
Tell the kids Santa has Omicron and is isolating at the North Pole so no presents. It will save the planet.
