According to RNZ, this weekend’s Green party conference is “the most closed-down annual conference in recent memory – for any political party.” Media have been told that “this is an ‘off-the-record’ event with no cameras or photos, and any members having to give explicit permission before being interviewed.”
jelsie
Since the Green party are not keen on being transparent I have put my overactive imagination to work as if I was a fly on the wall of the Green Party conference. I imagine it went something like this…
They will start the conference of course with a traditional dance after consuming the edibles and smoking the joints handed out by their youngest baby faced MP who so earnestly thinks that decriminalisation will solve everything.
After eating the edibles and smoking the joints for a good hour, everyone will agree heartily that drugs certainly do solve everything and apart from an attack of the munchies they will all say that “the world would be a much more peaceful place if everyone just relaxed man.”
After the dance, they will go straight to the Vegan buffet where they will chow down on various delicacies until someone starts drumming on a drum to announce the grand entrance of the Great Poobar co-leaders, Thing One and Thing Two.
“Comrades,” they will cry speaking as one, “welcome to the Green party conference. For your comfort, we have banned all muggles from attending as your privacy is important to us. Muggles always seem to get the wrong end of the stick and are known to mock our Greenie ways. We believe in free speech but at what cost to our reputations? Yes indeedy comrades, there will be no free speech for Muggles on our watch because they simply are not intelligent enough to know what to do with it.
Soon after a stirring speech from the co-leaders about the importance of providing more bicycle lanes, Julie Anne Genter will take the stage. Earnestly she will explain why it is important to restrict the diets of muggles in hospitals in order to reduce their carbon footprint. “Oh yes” she will enthuse “I went on an all-expenses-paid governmental flight to America to have a pow-wow with the indigenous people there to seek their wise advice on how to reduce our carbon footprint. From there I flew to India to consult with a famous Yogi who made the most marvellous vegetarian dishes. He was very supportive of our plastic bag ban by the way, and then I made a side trip to China and Russia.”
When Julie Anne Genter finishes her speech the next person to take the stage will be Golriz Ghahraman who from the bottom of her little refugee heart will thank one and all for their support of her through her recent Twitter difficulties. Tearfully she will explain how nasty juice unfairly targeted her for saying that Jesus and his mother Mary were Palestinians. Loudly she will proclaim, “I’m a Palestinian, you are a Palestinian, we are all Palestinians!…say it with me now.”
At this point, a lone voice will pipe up and say, ” I’m not a Palestinian and I care about the environment. Can’t we talk about clean rivers and lakes instead?” Swiftly after a nod from co-leader Thing Two the dissident voice will be seized and dragged whimpering from the conference by a couple of Vegan bodybuilders.
At this point co-leader Thing Two will step up to the microphone. “Now let me be very clear Whanau” she will say slowly. “The heart of the Green party is an activist one and the old days of focussing on the environment are in the past. Everyone needs to get with the programme or they can expect to be expelled swiftly from our group. Our job is to get involved in land disputes, to shut down industry and to advocate for refugees and beneficiaries…” – a deathly silence will then fall over the conference until someone hands out some more joints and edibles, the music is turned back on and everyone begins to dance.
