Table of Contents
Information
Satire
Good morning; kittens. This is your queen;
On March 23rd, 2020, I announced to the nation that I would be destroying New Zealand’s enviable and hard-won economic stability by moving into glorious lock-down. Some of the wags among you suggest it should in fact be called a lock-up, or a stitch-up, while personally I prefer the term Jaz-up.
Announcing the economic Jaz-up that day I said we had 102 confirmed cases of COVID-19 and the number was projected to double every five days unless we moved to Level 4 (Eliminate). Now, because some of you, especially in the press gallery, are reasonably thick I will show you exactly what that means:
After the first five days 102 cases would become 204. After the second five days 204 would become 408, but after the third five days, by day fifteen, 408 would double to 10,0000. Trust me; I know my stuff. Working in the fish ‘n chip shop really helped my arithmetic – two scoops of chips is exactly twice of one, three scoops of chips is ten-thousand, that’s a lot of spuds, believe me.
Some meanies have suggested my potential case numbers have been jazzed up or, rather crudely, sexed-up to justify my honourable deeds, to avert from the awful stench of my truly rotten decision-making. I want to assure you such allegations are completely untrue, they are not Jazzed-up, nor sexed-up; they are entirely home-grown, and made-up. By me.
Thank you for listening kittens, you may now go about your normal duties.
If you enjoyed this BFD article please consider sharing it with your friends.
