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TWE Editor in Chief.
In our usual weekly media-heads’ Zoom meeting with Her Highness Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of Aotearoa, we were briefed on the ongoing implementation of He Puapua und Covid-19.
To paraphrase Jacinda here are her almost exact words:
“An unfortunate slide in opinion polls means that, rather than proceeding with my usual abundance of caution, an abundance of haste is now needed.
“As a change of government is a possibility, it is important that most of He Puapua is fully in place before the next election – so hold on to your hats – you ain’t seen nothing yet.
“You, my loyal team of $100m, need to nudge the iwi-led checkpoints forwards with an air of excited positivity but pour scorn on any negative push-back.
“The terms road blocks and checkpoints are to be banned from publication and broadcasting – the much more user-friendly hard border is to be used instead.
“The hard borders are an important part in getting the general public used to iwi rule. The idea of full iwi control over their rohe (tribal area) needs to be embedded into the subconscious of the ordinary person.
“The hard borders on Auckland are actually iwi mandated but the enforcement has been contracted out to the police. It is best that the general public is not made aware of this at the moment.
“We have skillfully managed to get the idea of passports and borders within Aotearoa widely accepted – in fact, people are now demanding if not begging for them – so bedding in iwi controlled hard borders, with passports required for exit/entrance, should be a relatively easy task.
“To lighten the imposition of hard borders Minister Hipkins will make one of his witty double entendres and mention Hone’s hard-on up North.
“A mug commemorating his wit will be presented to you all. A couple of celebrity influencers will be needed to be teed-up to make suitable complimentary witty tweets.
“A word to the wise: if you plan on heading up north to spread your legs, best to avoid Hone’s hard-on.”
Good news on the cash front – Grant, has set the printing presses rolling again and Jacinda’s advertising agencies will begin dropping massive advertising campaigns, starting on Christmas day.
A nice and well-deserved chrissy prezzy from Jacinda.
These will educate the public on the imminent implementation of Three Waters, separate Maori health system, 50/50 local body representation and separate Maori justice system – all of which will be in place and up and running, due to an abundance of haste, by the middle of next year.
TWE Entertainment Editor:
Judith Collins has resigned from parliament to take up the role of political reporter for Newshub.
Discovery, the owner of TV3, said they were very impressed with the way Judith schooled Tova O’Brien on how to foment a successful coup.
Judith finally put Tova out of her misery, after the attempts to get rid of her for over a year fizzled out. Judith conducted one against herself – one of the fastest and most successful coups in the history of New Zealand politics.
A Discovery spokes he/she/it/them/they person said they wanted a results-driven political reporter and Judith delivers in spades. Tova has been moved sideways to the graveyard of a woke talkback station which impeccable expert analysts say is doomed to failure.
According to the analysts, the woke left are too busy tweeting each other about how important they are, to listen to a radio host no matter how woke and important she thinks she is.
When contacted for comment about Judith’s appointment, Her Royal Highness, the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern said, “I know nothing about her and have yet to have a face to face but I am sure it will be business as usual at news conferences. ‘Tova’ then ‘Jessica’.”
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