Warning
Satire
The Prime Minister looked down at the assembled reporters for her daily infomercial, cleared her throat, checked her notes, and began her address to the nation:
“We have a health emergency facing New Zealand. It’s important that we address this now rather than kicking the can down the road for future generations to deal with. To that end the government is imposing a mandate to deal with this latest health emergency; this health crisis which has befallen us. Those who don’t comply within the six month timeframe will no longer be able to do the following things:
1. Work for the government
2. Work for a company that is a supplier to the government
3. Work in a retail or health environment which interacts with the public
4. Fly domestically on the state owned airline, or use public transport.
5. Have access to welfare, education, healthcare, legal aid, or other government provided services
6. Enter a shop, bar, pub, entertainment venue, or other similar businesses.
“I am also asking businesses the length and breadth of the country to join us, do the right thing, and enforce this mandate on their staff and customers. It’s all about keeping people safe from potential health consequences; do your moral duty as a kind, good citizen. After all we don’t have another planet to escape to and nothing is more important than the health of New Zealanders.
“The government recognises there could be initial awkwardness or even embarrassment about an unprecedented health mandate: that asking your employee, friend, customer, neighbour, or even complete stranger, about private health matters is not something we as New Zealanders are accustomed to doing, but these are extraordinary times and this health emergency is of such an urgency there is simply no alternative.
“There will always be a small group of people – conspiracy theorists, racists, lunatics, and hate filled bigots – who will oppose this perfectly reasonable plan by the government to deal with a health emergency; these people will resist our mandates. Fortunately you – as a good person – will take no notice of them and dutifully do the right thing. Please don’t be on the wrong side of history, please do not listen to disinformation which will engulf social media and the internet. Please be kind, please be a good New Zealander.
“It is with all this in mind that from 11.59 pm tonight all men in New Zealand are required to comply with a health mandate to be circumcised. Although many men are already circumcised, the uncircumcised have six months from today to comply. No longer will New Zealanders have to work alongside, live next door to, be served in a shop by, or otherwise associate with uncircumcised men; those days are over under the mandate I have announced.
“Although this may seem like an imposition, and as I said earlier it may seem awkward or embarrassing to ask men about their circumcision status, the future benefits of not having uncircumcised men in our country will become apparent and the government is asking you all to accept this health mandate. Please encourage your friends, neighbours, colleagues, and everyone else to head along to the Doctor for their simple and effective circumcision.”
The Prime Minister gathered up her notes and left the podium; a job well done.
