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Traffic Light Explainer Editor:
In an exclusive to The Woke Examiner the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, personally fleshed out her world-leading Covid Traffic Light system.
“It will be like Lotto,” she said, “replacing the news at six.
“Every Monday, on my channel, TVNZ ONE, I will front the Lucky Traffic Light Show.
“Consideration is being made for this not-to-be-missed show a daily occurrence.
“The set will have a vast array of traffic lights representing every region and sub-region in Aotearoa.
“Centre stage there will be a lever with a large pulsating purple knob which I will pull to start the lights randomly flashing.
“After a minimum ten minutes of my thoughts for the day I will quickly move the lever to stop and whatever the light has stopped on will be that region’s level for the week.
“It will be world-leading television, a must-see and everyone will know where they stand.”
It is expected that this will eradicate Covid from Aotearoa sometime around 2040 in time for our Waitangi bicentenary and Iwi republic.
Education Explainer Editor:
Using his world-renowned common sense, the Minister for Education Chris Hipkins, today, announced the abolition of all schools.
“It has become obvious,” he said, “that children don’t need to go to school. All lessons can be handled over the internet.
“As Auckland and the different regions will be in an unending state of lockdown or freedom as chosen by the new traffic light system, it makes perfect sense to sack all teachers and repurpose the school buildings.
“Teaching will be centralised in Wellington and a new department within the Ministry of Education will handle the digital lessons.
“Some of the best computer-gaming minds in Aotearoa have been contracted to create a virtual Jacinda who will front all lessons. She will be the new face of education.
“This will be another world first for our world-leading Prime Minister.
“Centralising lessons will neatly solve the thorny problem of teachers refusing to go back to school because of Covid fear and the pressing need to sack all those who refuse to be vaccinated. It will also solve the truancy problem.
“Exams and tests will be abolished as they were part of the old-world neoliberal capitalist order – and white supremacist, patriarchy centric anyway.
“All grades will be streamlined to ‘passed’. Only Participation is needed.
“As Covid Minister,” he went on to say, “I will also be repurposing the empty schools as Kindness Centres – sanctuaries for the unvaccinated – not only to keep the rest of the population safe but to enable de-programming followed by joyful re-education – culminating in double jabs plus triple boosters.
“This will allow them to discard their nifty stripy pyjama uniforms and be reintegrated into society.”
Waitangi Claims Explainer Editor
Extremely distinguished professor and top tikanga expert Tamaki Makaurau (or Motu for short) has laid a Treaty claim over the continued unauthorised use of his names by One News.
“If I had a dollar for each time weka wae wae (weka legs Dan) used my names when explaining the weather I would be very wealthy,” he said.
“In fact when my claim is rubber-stamped in triplicate I will be.
“Ka pai.”
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