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Satire
Morena, ka pai; Aotearoa, this is your Kuini, and this is important korero, so please take notice.
Last week our island nation was compared unfavourably with another island nation in our response to the great taniwha COVID-19. This is unacceptable, I am beyond reach of criticism due both to my chromosomal genetics, and my photo-genetics, as you all know.
I will take immediate steps in light of these libels to prevent the spread of the diseased misinformation including, if necessary, the use of our wholly politically-neutral pirihimana and pirihiwahine, and pirihi-indeterminate, to limit spreading of the fallacious and irresponsible propaganda slurs contained in the publication, such as:
“The earlier introduction of entry restrictions and health screening in Taiwan is likely to have influenced the relatively lower case numbers in Taiwan compared with New Zealand up to August 2020″
To this end all my subjects holding evidence of the document ‘Rationale for Border Control Interventions and Options to Prevent or Delay the Arrival of Covid-19 in New Zealand: Final Commissioned Report for the New Zealand Ministry of Health. March 6, 2020’, yes, that’s correct: the document pressing for immediate entry restrictions at our borders which I completely ignored, are henceforth required to destroy evidence of the writings under pain of arrest.
Further: all quotes and quips made by me regarding the utter ineffectiveness of health-screening incoming visitors are to be erased from the record by the Ministry of Truth, including, but not restricted to the following:
“Ardern defended the amount of people being tested, saying that testing people at the border wouldn’t be effective. Some tests could produce a false negative…” and/or:
“Also on the show, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said testing at the border would not be effective. “Tests can produce false negatives”…and/or:
“Ardern previously said tests at the airport weren’t an effective measure for stopping the virus, as they would sometimes produce false negatives.”
You, my loyal subjects, get the pikitia, I’m very sure.
No more shall my failings, poor choices, irrational decisions and illogical missives be spoken of. That is all.
You may now go about your duties. Kia kaha.
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