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LEAKED: The Coalition ‘How To’ Manual

Signing reading manual Green party Labour party coalition agreement Shaw Ardern

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This “leaked document” is fictional.

Last night a mysterious package wrapped in recyclable brown paper and tied with hemp string was dropped at The BFD HQ. As I picked it up I swear I could hear the sound of a squeaky bicycle wheel receding into the distance.

Inside the package, I found a slim red coalition manual that appeared to have been written with lemon juice and a quill pen. My first attempts to make the invisible writing visible resulted in the pages catching on fire so by the time I had managed to master the technique only one page was left.

Chapter Five: How to respond to a problem of any size, big or small.

The very first thing that must be done is to take swift and decisive action so that you can be seen by the public to be doing something.

There is no need to wait until the inquiries or working groups you have put in train have finished. They are just there for show. A strong coalition government knows what the right thing to do is. A strong coalition government does not need to wait for the finding of an inquiry or a working group to come out. A strong coalition government will make sure that the recommendations of such groups match the actions that it has already taken.

So what strong action should a strong coalition government take?

It’s very simple. The cure-all for any crisis or tragedy big or small is a ban. A ban means that action has been taken then and there so there will be no need to do anything practical about the problem.

If a ban isn’t possible then the next best thing is a fine or a tax, the bigger the better. This solution is the best of both worlds as the government is seen to be taking action while at the same time gaining revenue.

The public will feel comforted that the government can ban and tax them out of danger...

After reading this page I reflected that it is strange indeed that the wisdom on the page had not been applied to various problems that have beset the Labour-led coalition government.

How much of a fine I wondered would have been appropriate to fine the Labour Party for allowing alcohol to be made freely available to minors at the Young Labour camp?

Chris Hipkins has brought in a new law that will fine universities who provide accommodation to students $100,000 if any come to harm under their care.

How much then should the Labour Party be fined for the sexual assault of the young people at the Young Labour camp and the sexual assault of a number of staff members working in parliament by a staffer employed in the PM’s office?

Hmm. Perhaps it is okay when the left does it?


https://thebfd.co.nz/2019/09/the-young-labour-camp-indecent-assault-case-part-two/ https://thebfd.co.nz/2019/09/the-young-labour-camp-indecent-assault-case-part-one/ https://thebfd.co.nz/2019/09/labours-fails-series-bullying-and-sexual-assault-scandals/ https://thebfd.co.nz/2019/09/jacinda-must-change-the-labour-culture/

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