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Satire
Labour Government Explainer Editor
The Minister for Gang Growth and Development, Willie Jackson, announced today that Maori gangs will be gifted Iwi status.
“It is time,” he said, “to move them into the mainstream of Aotearoa and officially recognise the mana, power and authority they hold over large swathes of the country.”
“This will allow our pakanga Iwi to take their rightful seats at the table in city and regional councils. We will create extra Maori seats in parliament and provide access to the Waitangi tribunal for treaty claims – and also provide seats on the tribunal.”
“For too long their voices have been suppressed by systemic racism, white supremacy and white privilege.”
The high court will be sorting out the individual gangs’ historical and overlapping areas of authority.
Once sorted, this will enable them to legally harvest their traditional resources found in the suburbs of Aotearoa’s cities and towns.
Green Explainer Editor:
Green Party leader and Minister of Climate Change James Shaw has called for the whole of Canterbury to be returned to the flood plain and swamp it once was.
“The weather bomb and its resulting flooding has given us an opportunity that should not be missed. Stop banks need to be removed pronto so nature can heal”, he said.
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern chipped in saying it was something she had been contemplating for some time and would be another world first for her as a progressive and number one world leader.
All farmers, land owners and home owners will be generously compensated with two hours of free grief counselling each.
Climate Change Explainer Editor:
Green Party transport koreo-she-it-they-person Julie Anne Genter announced today, due to the success of the lane take-over on the harbour bridge over the weekend, all Green Party MPs will be traveling by bicycle only.
“There are cycleways galore all over Wellington,” she said, “so we will be sending a message to the world by actually using them.”
“It will be another world first for this progressive, number one, world leading Green Party,” she said.
She also announced the party wants to put all its non-parliamentary members onto unicycles, rather than bicycles, to help conserve the planet’s resources.
Some have expressed opposition to this, wanting eco-friendly stilts, juggling balls and the protective full clown costume instead, saying stilts have always been their preferred mode of travel as green activists.
Also stilts will be much more useful with the increase of floods due to climate change.
