I don’t know about you, but I am finding that TV adverts seem to be mainly targeting either children or people with mental challenges these days. What happened to advertisers targeting adults, the people who pay for most of their products?
For example, I don’t think I would try to buy insurance while sitting in a shark’s mouth… even a plastic shark. The laptop would get wet for a start. I also don’t care if today is the day that people most often lose their glasses in their too-busy lives. I lose mine every day. That is what insurance is for, surely.
I don’t do my banking with my feet, nor in my sleep, which is probably a bad idea anyway, seeing how we need to be careful with bank passwords nowadays. Also, I will never connect with the bank that does ‘banky things’… not because they are necessarily a bad bank, but mainly because all of their customers must be 12 years old or less. I need banking services for grown-ups.
I will never eat Weetbix because I don’t eat ‘brekkie’ – if I ever did, I stopped saying that when I was 8 years old. I don’t believe All Blacks or mountain bikers call it ‘brekkie’ either. Obviously, Weetbix is only for people under the age of 8.
Then there is the ad where the seller of a car makes sure that the buyers don’t want to buy because the car is a Level 1 safety car rating. Just dump it mate. You know it is a shit of a car, so don’t sell it.
I will never eat a Subway ever again, as most of their customers slobber all over their curved glass counters, and I am better than that. Nor will I buy Nespresso capsules when they are paying George Clooney a fortune for his services. I don’t mind helping third-world countries, but I don’t want to line George Clooney’s pockets any further.
Then there is the McDonald’s ad with the male with mental issues who thinks chicken is better than Shakespeare. The two do not compare in any way. Speaking of chicken, if any of my (former) employees walked in on one of my business meetings wearing sunglasses and going ‘pow, pow’ with his fingers before retreating, he would be fired. The same would apply to workers blocking the doorway with a forklift when they had been told by the boss to go back to work. How is it that KFC ads all seem to comprise of employees telling their employers to get fxxxed? Being ‘like’ a boss and being ‘the’ boss are two very different things that KFC fails to understand. Further, “Now” is not “good” for the guy with his head stuck in railings. KFC seems to reel from ads determined to make their customers look cool (it doesn’t) to ads that make their consumers look moronic. I choose neither. I’ll cook my own chicken.
Speaking of mental issues, or possibly physical disabilities, there is the Molenberg ad. There is nothing positive that I can say about this ad, except… it is nice that they used a paralympic athlete for the advert. It doesn’t exactly make you want to buy Molenberg though, does it? Too much folic acid maybe?
However, I have no problem with people drinking Corona after a day on the slopes, but I really object to people going to casinos in their pyjamas. Who does that? Are we meant to think that they are dreaming that they won big? I love the crazy Three Wolves ad with the tui on the guitar and I love the Wild Turkey ad and I hope it will ‘find’ me, eventually. Strange how it seems it is only the alcohol ads that appeal to me. Maybe that is because they are aimed at adults. Funny that.
The Briscoes ads are fine, except for the fact that they have had the same lady doing their ads for the last 50 years. She still looks as young as ever, which is a surprise. She must have a painting of herself growing old in the attic somewhere. However, one of their recent ads had at least 15 versions of her in the house. That must be how she does it. She’s cloned.
I also like the furniture ad with a bit of Joe Cocker thrown in. But then there is the ad with the peg holding a sheet up against the window, to try to keep the child warm. What happened to the Healthy Homes regulations, where renters are no longer allowed to live in such conditions? Oh, silly me. They must be living in a state house. That will be it. The Healthy Homes rules don’t apply to the government, only to private landlords.
Don’t forget the Electric Kiwi ads where we are told by children singing out of tune which power company to use. I am with the guy on the bus covering his ears. Speaking of power companies, why do Meridian customers go running up the beach throwing ice cream everywhere? What exactly does that have to do with power? I think the ad with the young boy sharing his chocolate on the bus is cute, but I absolutely hate the one with the little girl buying chocolate in a dairy with buttons and charms.
Then there is the ad trying to get us all behind the Three Waters proposals. It has definitely failed with me. Again, it is aimed at people under the age of 10, spoken in a very childish Maori accent, and as everyone in the ad seems to be covered in brown slime, I am not sure it will give us the outcome we want. Nor will I be joining the ‘electric revolution’ and kissing my petrol driven car goodbye. The one thing the ad doesn’t show is the queues for charging stations, and people who have joined the ‘electric revolution’ will find themselves waiting in queues for much longer than they ever did at petrol stations.
I really like the advert for Fibre Broadband, with the guy whose magazine takes time to load and he pulls his ear off while answering the door. The concept is clever, but of course, it is ruined by the group hug at the end and the catch phrase – “Fibre. It’s how we internet now”. Internet is not a verb; this is chronically poor grammar, and if you live in the country and rely on a transmitter up on the hill for your rural broadband, believe me – fibre is not the way you ‘internet’ now.
But the ultimate prize for terrible advertising has to go to the advert for Skinny Broadband, where we have a family, faces blurred, admitting that they steal their neighbour’s broadband but if they did pay for it, then they would use Skinny Broadband. Isn’t that theft? I fail to understand why this ad is okay but the 8-year-old girl riding her bike on the pavement while going to the dairy was banned because it is illegal to ride a bike on the pavement. The same Meadowfresh ad was also criticised because the father gave his little girl a big hug. All parents have been in that situation; a child goes off for the first time on their own to do a simple task and the parents worry themselves sick until they are home safe and sound. Apparently, fathers hugging their daughters is illegal now too, but stealing the neighbours’ internet is okay. The world has turned upside down. But hey. Our government now gives taxpayer money to gangs. What else can we expect?
Then there is the Vodafone ad with endless dataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I turn off the sound whenever it comes on.
There is the enormously irritating ANZ Bank ad of a young couple where the woman constantly treats the man like he is 5 years old, giving him $10 here and there but going shopping in an upmarket store and buying lovely stuff for herself. That particular trend in advertising, where women treat men like idiots is most irritating and demeaning. It is also very woke… unless the man is trans. Then it is not woke at all.
But there is one ad that gives me good feelings and strangely, it is also an ANZ ad. It is the advert with the Indian family where the son plays cricket, and the father describes him as a future player for India, like a young Tendulkar. But later, when the son gets the call-up from the Black Caps, the father changes allegiance and dons a Black Caps jersey… complete with the ANZ logo. “Suits you, Papa,” says the newest Black Cap. Sure does.
I love this ad because the idea of a family of immigrants switching their allegiance to New Zealand is a good story. As for the rest of them, mostly they are garbage, insulting their customers and treating them like children. A bit like the government really. Maybe all advertising these days has to be approved by Jacinda Ardern and needs only to appeal to people under the age of 12. Nothing would surprise me these days.
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