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The face a Teal makes when the Moet on the Business Class flight isn’t properly chilled. The BFD. Photoshop by Lushington Brady.

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It’s well established by now that the loudest “climate change” botherers are almost invariably the worst climate offenders. Anecdotally, BFD readers will be familiar with the likes of Izzy Cook, the teenage “climate striker” so deservedly mocked by Heather du Plessis-Allan for her rampant hypocrisy. Quantitatively, university studies have found that the most ostentatiously “green” households tended to have the largest carbon footprints.

That’s because one’s carbon footprint correlates directly with wealth, and Climate Cultism is almost exclusively the domain of the idle rich. Hence the roster of hyphenated surnames, Oxbridge accents, and private school blazers at “climate” protests. But, having supposedly done their bit for the planet, these over-privileged loons feel that they’ve earned their little luxuries like overseas holidays.

There are no more over-privileged, climate-bothering loons than the Teals.

As is well established, your ordinary Teal types are absolute environmental butchers.

The Guardian reported last year that eastern suburbs residents in Allegra Spender’s posh Teal seat of Wentworth were on average each responsible for nearly 30 tonnes of carbon emissions per annum.

Certain individual sacrifices would have dramatically slashed that super-sized carbon footprint.

Citing a 2017 University of Sydney study, our lefty Guardian mates found “the average Potts Point resident could reduce their footprint by 60 per cent simply by living like someone 25km to the west in Auburn”.

To put it in familiar terms, the toffs of Ponsonby or Grey Lynn could slash their environmental impact by living like someone from South Auckland.

As if.

We may measure the commitment of Teal voters to saving the planet by seeing how many have taken up that Auburn lifestyle option.

To date the number is zero. It will always be zero. Even if Australia hits net zero, the total headcount of Wentworth fancy folk relocating westwards will remain at zero.

The earth’s viability just isn’t that important. Consider the postcode, darling.

It’s not as if they’ve even got the poor excuse of ignorance. As Izzy Cook realised as soon as she’d said it, these people are massive hypocrites and they know it. So, they resort to unconvincing dodges.

Senior Teal MP Monique Ryan, who represents the millionaire-swamped Victorian seat of Kooyong, last week provided every one of Australia’s cashed-up climate frauds with a epic get-out-of-jail-free card.

According to Ryan the climate’s fate is now nothing at all to do with individual behaviour. The member for Kooyong arrived at this conclusion after considering singer Taylor Swift’s travel aboard her $75 million Dassault Falcon 7X.

Swift’s carbon emissions, then, are even bigger than Ryan’s, a millionaire who regularly flies Business Class on the taxpayer dime.

Swift’s private flights, Ryan continued, “produce about 10,000 tonnes of carbon emissions a year. That’s equivalent to the average emissions of about 600 Australians”.

But damning a popular celebrity wouldn’t exactly be a winner — and it would certainly point the big ol’ finger of hypocrisy Ryan’s way. So, she makes up weak excuses.

Incredibly, the Teal boss lady announced that individuals were off the hook.

“That’s not ideal,” Ryan said of Swift’s (checks notes) TEN THOUSAND TONNES of carbon emissions a year.

“But the reality is, what we’re missing here is, it’s not individuals who are responsible for climate change. It’s large corporations and governments.”

This is brilliant. At a stroke Ryan has absolved every posh suburb dwelling, high-consumption, high-carbon output Australian – every Teal voter, in other words – of climate blame. They’re not governments or large corporations, so they’re completely innocent.

So, does that mean the rest of us can look forward to posh scolds glueing themselves to the roads in front of working-class people’s daily commute? No more finger-wagging cashed-up tradies with Dodge RAMs and jetskis?

At the very worst, even if we add a freakin’ private jet to our fleet, we’d still only be classified as “not ideal” on the Ryan scale.

We can live with that. Frankly, we can live with any rating the Teals wish to apply. It’s not as though we’re the ones with 30-tonne carbon outputs for every electorate resident. (By the way, 30 tonnes? What are those Teal voters up to? Processing junked sea freighters? Running backyard aluminium smelters? Presenting 24/7 footage of election night 2022 on SCG-sized big screens?) […]

The next time someone lectures you about buying an electric vehicle (as Ryan often does), we simply turn to them and say: “The way to fix climate change is not to talk about individual’s private cars.”

And when bureaucrats barge into our kitchens we reply: “The way to fix climate change is not to talk about individual’s gas stoves.” And so on.

Herald Sun

I never thought I’d feel grateful to a Teal for anything.

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