Information
Satire
Latest poll results
In a survey carried out this week support for the Labour party is strengthening. 66% of respondents said that they would vote for Labour at the next election, 33% said that they would vote National. 1% don’t knows was a rounding error. This poll has a margin of error of +/- 75% with confidence limits of 95%.
On checking with the respondents, the participants, a couple from Mt Albert and an unknown third party from Remuera confirmed their answers.
At the same time a poll on the preferred prime minister after the forthcoming election was carried out using the Likert scale.
Asking the question “How do you think Jacinda Ardern has performed?” 100% of the respondents declared that she was excellent or better.
The scale: – good, very good, excellent, wonderful, stupendously world shattering.
The same people were asked to respond to the question “How do you think Judith Collins has performed?” 100% of the respondents thought that she was poor or worse.
The scale: – poor, very poor, abysmal, atrocious, unbelievably awful.
Pinocchio award update
Things are heating up as we get close to the finish line, but the leaders are now neck and neck, with Jacinda Ardern making a late run down the rails and Chris Hipkins coming up close behind. In a late development, it was announced by the awarding committee (The United Nations) that the winner from New Zealand would qualify for admission to the International competition.
It is felt that although they would face stiff competition, the NZ winner would be in with a good chance. The current leader in the betting is Liu Xiaoming, the PRC ambassador to London. He is being closely followed in the betting by Daniel Andrews, premier of Victoria State.
It is a competition worth winning with the first prize being an advisory job at the United Nations working in the PR department, salary to be discussed, but probably as much as can be collected weekly in a modestly sized wheelbarrow.
Limerick competition
Late entrants continued to flood in, but as they were after the closing date they didn’t qualify for the prize of a signed copy of Al Jacinda. Here is one worthy of mention, others were unworthy, unprintable or just plain disrespectful: –
There was a young man called Clarkwho kept all his friends in the darkthe result of his stealth?NZ lost its wealthAnd he said to Grant, what a lark
Dateline London 23rd August:
In the aftermath of the Hundred Acre Wood gathering police today revealed that they had arrested 3 of the Ursine offenders and they had been remanded into custody. There was a large bear, a medium sized bear and a small bear. 24 hours after their arrest they complained that their Ursine rights were being breached and lodged a complaint with the United Nations Complaints Legislation Executive (UNCLE), who immediately appointed an avuncular advocate to represent them. The advocate, a Ms G.Oldilocks, paid an unannounced visit to the detention centre and carried out a survey of the facilities and food on behalf of UNCLE. Apparently, she tested 3 bowls of porridge, sat in three chairs and three beds. Only one of the porridge samples was satisfactory, two chairs were unsuitable and the third collapsed under her weight. One bed was too hard, one was too soft, but the third one was just right, and she finally fell asleep in this, the only comfortable bed.
When the three bears returned from their exercise, they were not pleased by Ms. G. Oldilocks efforts on their behalf. They immediately complained to the detention centre management about the damage sustained, and then turned on Ms G. Oldilocks, chasing her out of the blockhouse.
In view of this show of ingratitude from people she was trying to help she remembered the old motto her mother use to tell her. “God never lets a good deed go unpunished”.
Intelligence Report
There has been no evidence of intelligence found in the governance of the UK this week.
Black Lives Always Matter (BLAM)
In a new development, the splinter group BLAM, on separation from BLM found itself wrestling with the definition of blackness. It was decided that all members should have to submit to a black identification index to determine their degree of blackness. It was stated that it was not enough to self-identify as Black as this ran the risk of allowing too many Whiteys to sneak into the membership. Similarly, it was deemed not sufficient to listen to Motown or Hip-Hop.
By adopting a graded scale based on Pantone colours they could grade people from ghost white through to darkest black. Each grade was allocated a number, and this was used to adjust the value of their vote at meetings. Therefore, a pale mixed-race person’s vote would carry less weight than a very dark-skinned member. This reached an impasse in the meeting as they couldn’t work out how to allocate votes in the first meeting before a suitable scale had been adopted. They agreed by a show of hands to refer the matter to the UK qualifications authority for advice and hope that they could provide them with a suitable algorithm. That should fix it.
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