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Information
Satire
Policy decisions
The government today revealed plans for a new policy-making committee. All options on policies would be pinned to a wall and then a group of Chimpanzees would throw darts at them. The two options with the most hits would then be recommended for perusal and screening by a further committee, comprised of Gorillas. The Chimpanzees would be selected by a panel of Orangutans and the Gorillas would be self-selected. After the first meeting, objections were raised from Gibbons and other minority primates, complaining that their views were being ignored and the new committee structure was non-inclusive. A group representing Lemurs who were new arrivals to the country pointed out that their views were being totally ignored.
During the first meeting it transpired that the Chimpanzees had a tantrum when their favourite bananas from a fair-trade country were unavailable and began to throw faecal matter instead of darts at the options. Ever pragmatic, the Gorillas selected the options that were now full of excrement, thus perpetuating the outcomes of the previous system.
Exciting news about AL JACINDA
Following on from the successful independence campaign, Jacindistan is now a self-governing country free from the clutches of its colonial masters. We are pleased to announce that AL JACINDA will now be able to operate from its new corporate offices in the capital city, Jacindagrad. This means that we will be closer to the news from our home country and will be able to provide accurate updates from the new democratic republic of Jacindistan. To help with the accurate reporting of stories, there will be one source of news which will be the President or their representative at the daily news briefing. To ensure fair, accurate and kind reporting it will be illegal to report from any other source. Our offices in the government Apis centre will ensure timely, accurate reporting of the news from Al Jacinda. This of course only applies to news about Jacindastan. We are free to report from the rest of the world.
Jacindistan has developed a constitution based on love, kindness and empathy for minorities. The elected president Mr Goosestepper said anyone not complying with his directive 35 on kindness and consideration for others would be severely dealt with.
Dateline Jacindagrad 28th September 2020
As part of the government’s agricultural initiative to reduce greenhouse gases from the sector it followed the science and compelled farmers to change the diet of their cattle. They successfully managed to reduce the production of methane from the rear end and instead produce methane free burps from the front end. An unfortunate side effect, which is being worked on, was that these burps, although methane free, were foul smelling. This had the effect of upsetting the animals who displayed a tendency to race around the fields like a dervish. This was reported in the popular local media as “Super cattle go ballistic, expelling halitosis”.
The government passed its first law this week, legalising full term abortion. This was immediately used to quell a small rebellion in the far north of the country. Unfortunately, no one had defined full term and so the government arrested the anti-government rebels and shot them. Under the provisions of the abortion act as passed, there is no time limit on abortions post-birth, and so after an opinion from one government doctor and a lawyer (the President’s brother) the dissidents were legally aborted by firing squad.
The accompanying bill on euthanasia failed to pass into law, but the government’s special advisers pointed out that the provisions of the post-birth abortion law applied, so there was no need for a separate euthanasia bill.
PC Joke of the week
Couldn’t find a funny PC joke this week. (or ever).
Pinocchio award update
The award ceremony has been postponed due to the COVID-19 situation (on releasing that information, the press officer’s nose immediately grew one inch). I suspect that it is because the competition is hotting up and is too close to call.
Dateline London 24th August: –
It is now impossible to report from London as the government’s policy changes daily and according to whom you are talking.
The best thing to do is to make up your own news and guarantee that at least once a week you will be correct. In a spirit of empathy with the long-suffering population who are enduring lockdown again, Boris Johnson disappeared from view, appearing only for question time in Parliament. He achieved a metaphysical social distancing by being nowhere near answering any questions.
A cultural exchange visit from native Americans to the Houses of Parliament was cancelled when it was discovered that there were far too many cowboys in there to ensure their safety.
Intelligence Report
Further to last week’s report, there is now evidence of negative intelligence found in the governance of the UK this week. Taking advantage of the lockdown and the track and trace app MI5 began to update their database until they realised that the COVID Track and Trace app was so useless, it had corrupted their current database when COVID data had been uploaded.
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