Table of Contents
Information
Satire
Our dear leader Mr Goosestepper congratulated Ms Ardern after her victory in the New Zealand elections. He noted the success of her campaign in which her style of froth, bubble and fairy dust triumphed over the presentation of facts and policies. This confirmed his own previously reported preference for a government based on love, kindness and empathy for minorities.
A new law intended to improve inclusivity for BAME people was introduced into the Jacindahouse, our legislative assembly. It was discovered that Jacindistan’s Friesian cattle are predominately white with a smattering of black and so scientists have embarked on a breeding programme to increase the percentage of black colouring as opposed to white, to more accurately reflect the population at large. They are not sure of the effect this will have on the colour of the milk. In a linked programme the research group is developing diet supplements to lighten the colour of cattle excrement and avoid the embarrassment felt by the BAME community when visiting the countryside.
Transgender news
In a revolutionary new law passed in the Jacindahouse it is now legal for anyone to self-identify as whatever gender/sex/orientation they feel comfortable with. In order to help women who are not happy with this concept, the law will be gradually phased in before full implementation. Thus, it will be legal for men to self-identify as women on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, with women self-identifying as men on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. After much discussion, it was decided that men would not be allowed to self-identify as women on Saturdays or Sundays to avoid the possibility of them participating in women’s sporting events as these mostly take place at the weekend.
Sundays would be reserved for the undecided, giving them an opportunity to safely test their gender affiliation.
Economic news
With the sceptism surrounding trade with China and the prospect of a trade war hardening there has been a reduction in the importation of Fairy Dust into Jacindistan. Due to the discovery of poor working conditions and the lack of human rights being extended to workers in the Fairy Dust Mines in China there are now sanctions being applied to Fairy Dust. As a result, our beloved leader, Mr Goosestepper has been somewhat lacklustre during his press conferences. Efforts are being made to resume the exploration activities for local Fairy Dust in the provinces after they had been closed down for environmental reasons. The national interest was now best served by prioritising the mining of Fairy Dust over the danger to the Blue Nosed Whistling Worm only found in the mining regions said a spokesperson (it was a Wednesday so I can’t be sure as to the gender).
Industrial news
In a first prosecution under the new Health and Safety at Work (employee responsibility) Act 2020 a Secret Intelligence Service employee was prosecuted for unsafe working practices. He was convicted of the breaches after a failed attempt at kneecapping a suspect following an ex-judicial process. His methods were “unsafe and prejudicial to correct working practices”. The technique used disregarded his own safety and that of his workmates when he failed to ensure that there was no danger of ricochets causing damage to him or his workmates. He was sentenced to attend a 3-day course on “Health and Safety During Covert Operations” and was given 6 demerit points on his personnel record.
Ogre reports
There are early reports of an unidentified Ogre roaming the countryside. It is thought to be of Chinese origin and may have entered the country illegally during a breakdown in border security. Whilst it is probably friendly people should avoid direct contact with it and stay indoors when possible.
PC Joke of the week
This is one for the Covid scientists: –
A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you are – on average – very comfortable.
PC Limerick
A friend who’s in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it’s proof by induction.
Pinocchio award update
The winner of the New Zealand Pinocchio award was announced on October 18th but the public declaration of the winner was delayed until the 9th November as late votes from the Chathams, Stewart Island and Mt Albert were counted. Because of their late arrival the scrutineers had stopped work and couldn’t be enticed back from the comfort of the New Gluepot hotel. The electoral officer assumed hitherto unused powers and made a declaration based on an estimate of these votes.
The winner of the 2020 New Zealand Pinocchio award is Ms J Ardern, with the proviso that if any of her election promises actually come true in 2021 then the award will go to the second placed contestant, a Mr Daniel Andrews, an overseas entrant from Victoria, Australia. Votes in the contest went against him as his poor memory caused a lack of recollection of actually having said anything.
Dateline London 9 November:
With the announcement of a Covid vaccine the government outlined its plans for allocation of the doses available. The SAGE Covid committee were considering it and had formed a sub-group to deliver recommendations. It was suggested that the fairest way would be to hold a National Health lottery, with tickets costing 100 GBP each. With a population of 65,000,000 this could raise up to 6,500,000,000 GBP.
They took this further with the suggestion that this could form the basis for a weekly TV programme in prime time which would raise further funds for the Chancellor. The sickest winner each week would be invited to London to appear on the following week’s show to demonstrate the success of the vaccination. The TV people said that the more heart-rending the better as this would result in better ratings.
After considering these proposals it was leaked that the Government wanted to keep the scientists as far away from the process as possible and the programme should involve celebrities, sporting stars and showbiz royalty to do the presentation.
On a more practical note, it was leaked that a rogue committee member had suggested that the implementation of the vaccination should be carried out by the military as when they were previously involved in regional testing it had “run like a dream” This was rejected as the military would be needed to keep order on the streets due to the anticipated rush and resultant disorder during the ticket buying process.
Intelligence Report
This week’s intelligence report is subject to a “DSMA” notice, but we aren’t allowed to tell you.
If you enjoyed this BFD satirical article please share it.
