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On Tuesday night the Prime Ninnyster called a press conference to announce that New Zealand was going back into Stage 2 lockdown and Auckland into Stage 3. The cause was one family getting COVID-19. When this was pointed out by reporter Hypo Thetical the Prime Ninnyster replied “We have to do this otherwise how can I relive my disaster movie fantasies” #TheDayNewZealandStoodStill #TheVirusGames #WarOfTheWorldwideVirus #VoyageToTheBottomOfEconomicDepression #TwentyBillionDollarsUnderTheSeaOfDebt
Hypo Thetical then suggested that the Prime Ninnyster had missed one out. #TheToweringInfernoOfBatFluGuano.
At this the Prime Ninnyster tried to have Hypo Thetical arrested but it turns out a New Zealand reporter with journalistic integrity is indeed a hypothetical proposition.
Mayor Goof quickly released a statement while running in circles dressed as Lance Corporal Jones from Dad’s Army shouting “DON’T PANIC MR MAINWARING! DON’T PANIC!”
Big Chief Cultural Appropriation, our favourite microbiologist with pink hair, also released a statement, saying there were four things that will determine if Auckland stays in lockdown. “First will be where I get interviewed, second is when I get interviewed, third is who is interviewing me, and fourth is how sycophantic the interviewer is” #It’sAllAboutMe #AndMyPinkHair #WhichIsSoPinkAndLovely #PinkLivesMatter
When reporter Hypo Thetical pointed out that she had said the State of Victoria would be alright even though the quarantine people were hanky pankying with each other, Big Chief Cultural Appropriation replied “They would have been fine if they had stuck to the rules and worn a face mask and kept a 27m distance while hanky pankying”. #MaskMyWords
A former judge on Australian Master Chef criticised the Prime Ninnyster saying “She had placed the country under martial law”. The Prime Ninnyster’s media mates, or was it just the First Boyfriend, jumped to her defence saying, “This is bullying and to say that it is martial law is ridiculous and we will have him arrested.” #JustAskTheSoldiersAtTheBorderCheckpoint #PoliceInCamo #NewPoliceUniform
In other election news, Crusher called on the Prime Ninnyster to postpone the election, as the lockdown prevented campaigning while the Government had daily Party Political Broadcasts masquerading as Covid media releases, and thus a free and fair election was not possible. To this the Prime Ninnyster replied “You’re just playing Politics”, to which Crusher replied “We are politicians Sindy”. The Prime Ninnyster replied “Remember the golden rule, we work as a team of five million, and we do it MY way” #OrElseITakeAwayTakeaways #You’reAPoopyPants “Also while I have said we are not focusing on the Election, do focus on our election slogan “Let’s keep moving” #TowardsHellInAHandbasket #InAndOutOfLockdown #DeeperIntoDebt
Later in the week, the Headmaster of Pakuranga College was critical of the Government for releasing fake news by suggesting there was a case at said College. At this, the Prime Ninnyster’s COVID shirts attempted a social media lynching of said headmaster for telling the truth by calling it fake news. The Leader of the COVID Shirts released a statement saying “How dare a principal who knows his school and community better than the Prime Ninnyster say that he knows his school and community better than the Prime Ninnyster. We all know that Government COVID announcements are infallible and if it turns out that a false statement has been made it wasn’t really a false statement, as reality is what the party says it is.“ #ThePrimeNinnysterIsGod.
Meanwhile, in Central Auckland the Green Candidate called on the Red Candidate to step down because the Greens are facing electoral annihilation.
The Red candidate said, “No”.
The Green candidate said, “You’re a misogynist”.
The Red Candidate said, “But I’m a woman”.
The Green Candidate said, “No! I’m a woman! I define womanhood, you’re not me, therefore you’re not a woman” #Burn #I’mSoLogical #MisogynyIsWhatISayItIs
The Greens then went on to a photo shoot with a magical unicorn that farts money while simultaneously claiming “See we told you all that money grows on trees, just look at how much debt we have run up and no one has had to pay a cent…. Yet” #MagicalUnicornsAlsoFartNegativeCO2
What will happen next week? I look forward to covering that… unless the COVID Shirts get me.
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