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Satire
Maori Affairs Explainer Editor:
Police are walking back the idea that the police need to adopt Te Reo Maori as a crime-fighting tool.
Initially, they said students from Kura Kaupapa total immersion schools could be crucial to the future of the force.
A spokes-them-they-it-person for the police said this policy gives the unfortunate impression that most future criminals are projected to be Maori – and ones fluent in Te Reo especially.
While there is expected to be a marked uptick in iwi bigwigs, grandees and brown necked charlatans, who speak Te Reo, fiddling the books to trouser the lion’s share of the untold billions expected to be filling iwi coffers due to He Puapua implementation over the coming years, this is white collar crime and will be expediently swept under the rug. So nothing to see there.
What is needed to communicate with the average criminal and gang member is people who are fluent in swearage, known in the US as efdis’n’dat.
Aotearoa has its own unique colloquial dialect called whakawhaka-ehbro.
The Police have decided children of gang members who had full emersion in whakawhaka-ehbro would be more useful in the longer term and able to communicate successfully with the rapidly growing criminal element.
Girl One Hit Wonders Explainer Editor:
International media outlets have been shining a light on the growing spat between Greta Thunberg and Jacinda Ardern.
The Guardian interview with climate change expert Thunberg exposed the rift: “Funny,” she said, that people believe Jacinda Ardern and people like that are climate leaders.”
“That just tells you how little people know about the climate crisis.
“How dare they! Anyone who is anybody knows that I am the only climate leader in the world.”
One of Jacinda Ardern’s acquisitions in her Aotearoa media empire initially, snarkily, reported the story as coming from ‘Greta Thunderturd’, then farcically stealth-changed it as coming from ‘Greta Dunderhead’ to then sneaking in a final correction to ‘Greta Thunberg’ after international complaints were made.
Digging deeper, this shows the serious catfight going on between the two leading contenders for the upcoming Nobel Peace prize and how they are both trying to damage each other’s reputations to put them out of contention.
Labour insiders say Jacinda hasn’t forgotten about climate change but is concentrating on Covid-19 and getting to number one worldwide by completing her 100% vaccination target. The Nobel Peace prize is hers for the taking.
A series of in-depth articles dissing Greta Thunberg have been commissioned within Jacinda’s media empire and are expected to be published over the coming weeks.
A titbit from one of the hit pieces has been leaked to The Woke Examiner:
Headlined Greta Thunberg Lives High off the Hog
It includes a photo, sourced from Chinese media, exposing Greta Thunberg as a high living gourmand who has been gobbling up more than her fair share of the world’s precious resources, causing rampant climate change and the recent floods in Germany.
Her weight gain shows Covid-19 has not been kind to her and conversely her reaction to it has not been kind to the environment.
When asked for comment, Jacinda Ardern said if Greta actually followed the harsh measures she forcefully tells the world are needed she would look like someone from the soup kitchen lines of the 1930s – not a typical, neurotic, pampered, white girl fatty living in luxury.
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