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Today is a FREE taste of an Insight Politics article by writer John Black.
An Idiot’s Guide to Political Leadership
Could there be a better time to be the leader of the opposition? A year out from an election and inflation is rampant, the Government is busy sending taxpayer money to corpses and following the South African model of race relations, and the Prime Minister seems to be already auditioning for her next job as UN Commissar for kindness, hugs and sympathetic faces.
And still, Luxon is screwing up.
You’d think all he’d have to do is show up to press conferences fully clothed and semi-coherent and he’d be a shoo-in. But newspaper editors, not to mention the great New Zealand voter, aren’t playing along.
The man might need some advice.
I offer him this ‘Idiot’s Guide’ in the sense, not of it being written for an idiot (he’s certainly not that) but by one. Personally, I’ve never led anything larger than a three-man pub crawl. And even then I got us lost. But an idiot is free to state the obvious. And the obvious is that modern political leadership is nothing but a meretricious, insincere attempt to hoodwink most of the people most of the time. Just look at our PM.
PROMISE ANYTHING
Promise anything. Literally anything. Say you’ll add an extra Sunday to the days of the week. Promise to outlaw haemorrhoids and make Ferraris and Viagra free to middle-aged men. Make any promises you like, because you’ll never have to keep them. The media won’t bring them up as long as you keep promising to keep your promises – ‘Yeah, the haemorrhoid situation is still in select committee, there’s no sitting till next week’ or ‘We’re first in line for the Viagra, right after Bulgaria – their need is greater…have you seen Bulgarian women?’.
RUTHLESSLY EXPLOIT YOUR CHILDREN
Everyone likes a cute kid. If your kids are ugly you may have to adopt. A black or brown baby from a third-world nation is best. Film them doing cute kid things – making a papier mache diorama about climate change or reciting a poem about racial equality – give it to the media and you are home free. Neve’s finger paintings go from her mum’s fridge to Facebook to One Network News in a seamless pipeline of puke-making cuteness.
HOPE FOR A TRAGEDY
Nothing unites citizens behind their leader like a harrowing national tragedy. Luckily Luxon has one – it’s called the sixth Labour Government.
GET IN THE WOMEN’S MAGAZINES
Unfortunately to make the cover requires either attractiveness (something not immediately and obviously true about Mr Luxon – he reminds me of Uncle Fester from The Addams Family) or a personal struggle of some kind. I suggest he goes with the latter. Male hair loss is a serious issue that needs to be talked about. Luxon could regale the Woman’s Day reader with the tragic ‘story’ of his growing baldness, how it devastated his self-esteem and led to a terrible period of experimentation with hats. Then to provide a redemption arc he could discover the joys of wig-wearing, appearing on the cover in flowing verdant locks that would make a romance novel cover model green with envy.
He might even lock in the Trans vote with that one.
BE DIFFERENT
Why would we choose Coke when we have already had our fill of Pepsi? Better to be rum and coke. Or a vodka martini with plenty of ice and a slice of lemon peel. Sorry I was thinking about my next drink. But you get the idea. At present, Luxon is Ardern with slightly less kindness and (hopefully) a little more competence. As bland as bottled water and not enough to convince the swing voter. I suggest Luxon become the anti-Ardern – a hard arse. He should kick kittens, get a ‘Resign Ardern’ tattoo on his forehead and make mean unkind nicknames for opponents (it worked for Trump). The biggest diversion from our current waffler-in-chief would be to give direct answers to direct questions. People respect blunt unequivocal toughness. I think. It didn’t work for Judith Collins though, did it? Ah, what do I know? (see title of piece above)
SEX APPEAL
Your modern political leader can make very good use of sex appeal. If they have any. Unfortunately, although I appeal for sex every night (and she still says no) I can’t call myself an expert on the existence of this quality in Mr Luxon. But the career of Telly Savalas who played the TV detective Kojak should give him some cause for hope. Bald as a billiard ball, Savalas managed to become a sex symbol in the seventies. I suggest Luxon start sucking lolly pops.
BE AN EVERYMAN
Still bewitched by our egalitarian founding myth, we like our leaders to be someone we ‘could have a beer with’. Unfortunately, Mr Luxon is a teetotaller. While I personally consider this a strange and worrying perversion, on a par with bestiality, I’m sure the man has his reasons.
But at least stop the holidays in Hawaii. For most Kiwis the closest we get to a holiday there is wearing a Hawaiian shirt on casual Friday. Time to spend long weekends arguing with your wife in a two-star motel in Rotorua…like the rest of us.
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