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Exclusive Interview With the Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern
WE Cub Reporter:
“Thank you Prime Minister for granting me the special privilege of interviewing you. You are doing such a fantastic job – the country is lucky to have you.”
Prime Minister:
“Yes I know – I am special – be kind – know me by my deeds.”
“Before you say anythink more, let me present you with the latest creation from one of my advertising agencies – a bottle of Vaccinade. It epitomises my lone heroic struggle against the two great evils facing the world: Covid and climate change.
“Cunningly we pump the evil CO2 into water containing oral vaccine creating a frothy fizzing apparition of safety – very much like my good-self.
“In one foul swoop I save the world from climate change by sequestering carbon and everyone from certain death by vaccinating them.”
WE Cub Reporter:
“Yes, (belch) congratulations, very ingenious, but moving on: you seem to have known about the Delta variant for quite a long time before you announced it. Why was that?”
Prime Minister:
“Well, there are a lot of extremely important things that have to be put in place before we call a lockdown.”
“My teeth need whitening”, she said, counting on her fingers. “Hairdressers need to be set up, Neve’s babysitters have to be carefully scrutinised with an abundance of caution and a good supply of Clarke’s almond milk has to be stockpiled in his bolthole. I don’t want to be squeezing Clarke’s almonds at three in the morning like last time.
“Neve’s cake baking supplies need to be laid in.
“My advertising agencies have to be briefed on slogans, news stories and cartoon ideas needed for state media – all high-level stuff that takes time.
“These logistical problems can take days if not weeks to sort out.
“Also, along with my support staff, I have to make sure we can all get to Wellington without breaking quarantine.
“As I have hundreds of staff it is a nightmare.”
WE Cub Reporter:
“How long do you think we will have to be locked down?”
Prime Minister:
“Like the virus that is a tricky question, something I need to look at on a daily basis. It will depend on the polls. My polling company is checking the mood of the nation on an hourly basis and soon as the polls have moved well into positive territory we will snap into level three.”
WE Cub Reporter:
“The country only has 5 $billion left in the covid fund. How long can the lockdown last?”
Prime Minister:
“Well, forever if necessary – actually my first preference – money is no problem. Grant is rustling up another $50 billion as we speak. We were going to save that till election year but needs must… he can always magic up another $50 billion then.”
WE Cub Reporter:
“The Taliban’s Cultural Commission has come out and congratulated you on your 3 million donation saying, “We thank this generous gift from New Zealand in this time of crisis need for our people, most of whom are now living below the poverty line.”
Prime Minister:
“As the world’s number one, I always go hard and early. I like to chalk up another world first when the opportunity arises – another box ticked.
“The three million is being loaded into the Taliban’s Swiss bank account as we speak.
“Generously on our Snapchat call, the Taliban shared with me how respectfully they treat their women and girls.
“To keep them safe they are in a permanent state of house lockdown – he assures me the girls are all home schooled – you know, in cooking and stuff.
“Their mothers wear full body black face masks for safety reasons and have nifty ankle bracelets to monitor their every movement.
“I have got Bloomers looking into it and he will be reporting back to me on implementing it in Aotearoa ASAP.
“My dear friend and cultural advisor, Nanaia, was very impressed on how an illiterate tribal people could take over a country in a matter of days. She and social justice warrior, Glolorits, joined the flight to Afghanistan to have a conversation with Taliban Grandees.
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