Warning
Satire
Recently we have been ‘farm sitting’ for a friend in mid-Canterbury who’s on holiday in Queensland. I got a bit bored (as there’s nothing to do) and decided to fill in the time.
Later this month the biggest scam in New Zealand, the twaddle known as “NZ on Air”, has its deadline for the current funding round; scam artists seeking handouts to make TV shows or films need to submit their proposals by the 29th so they don’t miss out. It goes without saying that only Maori stuff will ever be approved; TV shows or films about the 85% majority are strictly verboten and have been for years.
Being a capitalist always on the lookout for ways to earn a quid, and seeing an overflowing gravy train full of incredibly stupid people ripe for plundering, I decided to write a Maori-themed movie and submit a proposal for funding. My dearly beloved will head up our newly formed ‘Production Company’ on the reasoning we can always cry ‘racism’ if the $5 million we are seeking isn’t forthcoming.
On the NZ on Air website there is a silly brochure called “Funding Maori Content“; scrolling down to the fine print there is a clause which reads, “...is it an important story that reveals aspects of NZ culture, society or people that are different to those commonly portrayed, or which sheds a new light?” With this (different to those commonly portrayed) in mind, I began my movie script last week.
The title is “The Day Rangi Ate Bob” and will be set 200-odd years ago in the Hokianga – which is the place my dearly beloved and the Far Now hail from – recounting the wreck of the ship Herald. Instead of the official version of what occurred – the wind dropped, the breakers carried it to the rockss – I have decided to embellish the event somewhat. A group of Maori chaps, annoyed by the crew rooting their girlfriends, attack the ship, a battle ensues, the Maori win and all the crew get eaten.
This morning I have been writing the battle scenes. I decided on one or two other historical changes (as you do): for instance, none of this poncing about in a grass skirt holding a stick and poking your tongue out palaver. No. I decided the main Maori (not sure ‘hero’ is the correct word) “Rangi” will be wearing 19th-century western clothes and be a swashbuckler type: all very Errol Flynn with sword fights between him and the crew. I have written a highly entertaining sword fighting scene which should go on for about 10 minutes with stunts, swinging across the deck on a rope, firing of the cannon; marvellous stuff!
Due to the lack of historical information about how one went about cooking and eating people two centuries ago in New Zealand, I guess it is up to me to entirely invent the genre. Was thinking along the lines of – boil the water, plonk the terrified ‘menu’ chappie into the boiling water, thereby killing him, cut his throat, drain his blood, and only then throw him on the fire for roasting; if you’re going to cook, in however unorthodox a fashion, it’s best to keep things Kosher!
Tomorrow I intend to write the ‘feasting’ scene: Rangi and his friends sitting around the fire tucking in, discussing how “11 herbs and spices” has really made Bob rather tasty; naked slave girls dancing around; some older women are singing Poi-E.
Thoughts? Comments?
