A pole-dancing monkey, belonging to a stripper named “Pole Assassin” who is married to a prominent football coach, attacked a child in a haunted house on Halloween.
Believe it or not, it didn’t happen in Florida.
Nope, the pole-dancing, child-biting simian went ape in Texas. Still, as the saying goes: Only In America.
On the day after Halloween, a photographer in Texas posted a tweet with an eyebrow-raising scandal. He claimed that a monkey belonging to Texas Longhorns’ special teams coach Jeff Banks had viciously attacked a trick-or-treater on Halloween.
“I’m hearing a report from a credible source that Texas Longhorns Special Teams Coach Jeff Banks’ monkey allegedly attacked and seriously hurt a young Trick-or-Treater last night on Halloween,” the photographer, Thomas Campbell, wrote.
“The monkey’s jaws apparently had to be pried off the small child.”
In fact, the story gets better than even that.
The monkey, a white-faced capuchin named Gia, does not belong to Banks, but is owned by his girlfriend, a former stripper named Danielle Thomas, who used to go by the stage name “Pole Assassin.” Apparently, the biting incident happened during a haunted house at the couple’s home.
Thomas tweeted a series of furious denials that only got funnier as she went on.
“People lie so much it’s ridiculous!” she tweeted. “Stop believing everything you hear! And more of what u see! SMH!”
She continued: “No one was viciously attack this is a lie, a whole lie! She was not apart of any haunted house, the kid did not have permission to be on the other side of my property!
See, the haunted house is on the other side of the yard, while the monkey is kept behind a gate saying, “Do not enter. Emotional support animals no touching”. Ah, yes — having a haunted house and putting up a sign, just past the swimming pool and basketball hoop, saying not to pat the animals is a sure way to keep the kids out.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Thomas quickly deleted her account.
In her vehement defense, however, Thomas seemed to fan the flames. Soon, “#MonkeyGate” started trending on Twitter.
All That’s Interesting
This might have been just another “Florida Man”-style story (even granted that it was in Texas), were it not that The Artist Formerly Known as Pole Assassin is dating the highest-paid coach in college football.
All in all, it’s like something out of a Jerry Springer episode — coincidentally, “Pole Assassin” indeed once appeared on Jerry Springer. No monkeys appear to have been involved.
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