We really need to establish the ‘Jeffrey’ awards, for the most outlandish wank caught on camera.
‘Jeffrey’, as in Jeffrey Toobin, the former CNN legal analyst and prolific writer, who shot his wad to fame when he inexplicably dropped trou’ and rubbed one out on a live Zoom call with some of the biggest knobs at the New Yorker. Guess he wanted to show who’s the real big knob in that town.
If it’s any consolation to the duly mortified Toobin, he’s not alone in getting caught cranking one out in front of their laptop.
In the old days, such things were easily solved by an extended trip to the toilets. In the work-from-home era, though, folks are apparently getting too lazy to even leave their desk. According to a UK survey, around one in 10 people have seen co-workers partially or completely naked on a video conference call. Slightly more have had to endure seeing a colleague doing their ones and twos.
That’s just the, er, tip, though.
Some poor guy was actually caught masturbating on Zoom by his colleagues […]
The video in question shows people discussing important business matters – consumer spending in particular – when one of the men in the call, Daniel Martinez, gets lost in a world of his own. He moves to turn the camera off but doesn’t realize it’s still on. Everyone can still see exactly what he’s doing.
Daniel then gets up and grabs some tissues and a bottle of lubricant. At this point, his poor colleagues have an idea as to what might be coming up. Everyone is visibly shocked and tries to stop him, but he can’t hear them.
It’s bad enough getting caught strangling the python in front of an office full of adults, but a classroom full of kids? This is what went down – or came up – at the aptly-named Shady Grove Middle School.
A teacher’s aide in Maryland masturbated during a Zoom call with eighth-graders – but insists he thought the online lesson had ended […]
A 13-second clip – later posted on social media – shows [Marc Schack] gaze at his screen before standing up, taking a few steps away and beginning to pleasure himself, according to the report.
Schack’s name appeared on the screen as the host of the Zoom call. Seconds later, another name appeared, replacing him as the moderator.
Schack moonlights as a children’s party pirate by the name of ‘Captain Silly Bones’.
I’m leaving that alone.
If only he had.
It’s got so bad that Lifehacker has even published a guide on ‘How to Not Masturbate During a Zoom Call’.
‘Don’t’ is a good start.
Lastly, one that’s not at all accidental and only goes to show that British police really are wankers.
A British Transport Police officer has been dismissed without notice after he filmed himself masturbating while on duty and in his uniform.
Ian Whitmill worked on the railway in Kent and was found to have committed gross misconduct after a hearing last Friday, on November 8.
It was discovered he had sent videos pleasuring himself and photos of his genitals to third parties on the social messaging app Kik using the username ‘Justa Hookup’.
Oh, come on – has he no imagination? Not ‘Officer Onan’, ‘PC Puller’ or ‘The Pink Truncheon’?
These are the same coppers, remember, who’ll kick down your door for daring to say online that men can’t get pregnant.
