Great news, everyone! We’ve solved all of Australia’s problems!
I mean, we must have, surely? Crime. Housing crisis. Hospitals. Roads. Cost of living. All done and dusted, it seems.
Because, now the NSW government has finally found time to tackle the really big, truly terrifying, shockingly dangerous threat to All Life As We Know It.
(Small children and pregnant women are advised to look away.)
Plastic. Bread. Tags.
Yes. The Minns government has launched a full-scale moral crusade against the tiny piece of plastic that keeps your bread from going stale. Why? Because a committee of blue-hair, Covid-mask-wearing, clipboard-holding leftist bureaucrats – people whose entire career purpose is making your life just a little more miserable each day – decided this was the next “crisis”.
These are the same people who spent two years telling you how far apart to stand, how many visitors you could have, and what time you were allowed outside. And now, with nothing left to regulate, they’ve marched straight into your kitchen like it’s a crime scene.
And not one involving beef Wellington.
Bread tags? Out.
Fruit stickers? Out.
Sushi containers? Out.
Condiment bottles? Out.
Helium balloons? ONLY IF YOU HATE THE PLANET.
This isn’t an environmental policy. This is an obsession.
Of course it is. As I say, a problem solved is an existential crisis for an activist. If an activist, be it a feminist, a pillow-biter or a tree-hugger, was forced to concede that, at last, all their years of activism had come to pass. That, finally, they’d won the great moral crusade that’s been the focus of their life, indeed, quite often their livelihood, for years, if not decades, well… then what?
What’s left to do? Shut up the shop. Stop applying for grants. Give up the tax-deductible status. Get a normal job.
Not to mention, surrender all that lovely, lovely power. As the troughocrats found during Covid, ginning up a ‘crisis’ out of nothing is a shortcut to the sort of totalitarian power your average tinpot dictator could only dream of, all without the tedious necessity of elections. Suddenly, they weren’t just the tiny tyrants of their little office empire: entire nations lived and breathed, left their houses and went to the beach on the passing whim of some public health arsehole who didn’t have the personality to be a real doctor or the brainpower to be a real scientist, let alone the superficial charm to be a politician.
A full-time identity for professional hall monitors who wake up every morning desperate to control something.
They can’t fix the cost of living. They can’t fix rents. They can’t fix the roads. But by God, they will make sure you never again commit the mortal sin of sealing your bread with a plastic clip.
But think of, I don’t know, the penguins or something.
NSW isn’t banning litter.
NSW is banning convenience.
Banning normal life.
Banning anything that hasn’t been approved by a committee of government lifers who haven’t been outside since 2019.
Your bread is now a political statement.
Your pantry is a regulated zone.
Your plastic tag? Contraband.
And don’t you dare let us catch you with a bendy plastic straw.
This is nanny-state performance art from people who think they’re saving the world one annoying inconvenience at a time.
Welcome to NSW – where the government can’t fix a pothole, but it can absolutely fix your sandwich.
Just so long as it’s on gluten-free bread, with plant-based fillings and good slather of maggot butter (yes, that’s a thing and twice as disgusting as you’d think it is).
