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Satire
Interim Government Explainer Editor:
Stuart Nash announced today that the tourism industry is to be completely abolished.
“This will neatly free up our gross over supply of tourist hotels for much needed housing stock”, he said.
“Hotel owners will be relieved of these millstones around their necks for a small fee.’
They will be converted to luxury apartments for the poor and most vulnerable.
Aotearoa Republic Explainer Editor:
More of Nanaia Mahuta’s ‘Positive Cultural Appropriation’ document leaked to The Woke Examiner last week has been translated.
The position of Perehitini (President) of the Republic of Aotearoa will be held by Jacinda Ardern for life. Her tenure will be symbolic only and limited to making announcements about announcements or the official opening of creches and such like – similar to her job of PM at the moment.
An upper house called Ariki Whare will be paramount, run everything, and be composed entirely of high born chiefs.
The lower house will be a 50/50 partnership called Rangatira-Kaumatua (minor chiefs and head gardeners) – as demanded by the Treaty of Waitangi.
The 50% of Maori seats will be appointed by the Upper House.
The other 50% will represent all the different victimhoods in Aotearoa. The multitude of other races will also be classed as victims.
To assist in this the government is in the process of setting up an agency called Patunga Patunga Aotearoa (Victimhood New Zealand).
It will first research and identify all the different victimhood groups to create a comprehensive registry.
Television One have been running a scoping exercise for the registry with its ‘The Latest Victimhood Group’ – which it runs weekly on Saturday night news.
Victimhood registration will be compulsory.
Straight white males, as the patriarchal, supremacist, privileged victimisers, will have no seats but will be tasked with actually working and creating the wealth needed to provide everyone with the expected much higher standard of living.
The government ministries will be run by appointees made through Ariki Whare so there will be no need for ministers or elections for that matter.
Nanaia Mahuta is working on legislation under urgency to have all this in place before the end of next year – making the need for the next election moot.
Green Science Explainer Editor:
Dr Megan Woods, Resources and Energy Minister, has announced a $5b fund to investigate whether CO2 and sunlight can be used to grow food.
The research will be led by the Gender and Sexuality Studies department at Waikato University.
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