Information
Satire
Dhuni
Early Tuesday morning an empty car pulled up to Parliament and Ted Mullet got out to announce that he never really existed #IfALeftistNationalMPFallsInTheForest #DoesAnybodyCare.
By late evening the vacuum in space left by the man who never existed was filled when the National Party selected Jude “Crusher of Labour” Holland to become their first real leader in months.
Immediately Jude “Crusher of Labour” Holland was asked by Mike Butcher, the Otago Uni epidemiologist dressed up as a journalist, “Aren’t you too old? I mean, you can remember the last pandemic we had. There hasn’t been one in my lifetime.” The reply was swift, “Are you 10? The last pandemic was Swine Flu in 2009.” #You’reDumbAndYou’reAnAss #You’reADumbAss
Then another journalist, Ga Ga Goo Goo, dressed in a bunny rabbit onesie asked, “But won’t the Prime Ninnyster appeal to the younger voter?” the answer was again swift, “People under 10 don’t vote.”
Meanwhile on hearing the news that Jude “Crusher of Labour” Holland was to take over the leadership of National the Prime Ninnyster flew into a rage. The first boyfriend copped a Care Bear to the face while she screamed “It’s all your fault, first the job gave me grey hair and then you went and dyed it. I’m losing my advantage.” #ItsNotFair #LabourPMLivesMatter.
Then the Prime Ninnyster leapt into action calling her mates Whinny and Duckie. Whinny however said it was now election time so he could no longer run cover for her #WhinnyFirst. Duckie Mallard, however, waddled to her aid telling everyone in earshot to #ShutTheQuackUp
In other news Communist Tyrant “Holy” Helen Sharp has been chosen by Communist Tyrant Xi “Stoneface” Ginpong to investigate the WHO which is led by Communist Tyrant Tetrus “Ad hominem attack” Ghebreyesus who was put in place at the WHO by aforementioned Communist Tyrant Xi “Stoneface” Ginpong. Media sources outsourced to China say this was done so we would all know that the investigation will be impartial and trustworthy. #OneAssScratchesAnother #CommunistLivesMatter
Also this week, the Tiwai Point smelter announced it would close with the loss of thousands of jobs. This is on top of the closing of the Listener magazine with the loss of hundreds of jobs, the loss of thousands of jobs at Air New Zealand, and the loss of thousands of jobs at The Warehouse, and all since the Prime Ninnyster crashed the economy because China sneezed. When asked by imaginary journalist Hypo Thetical if the job losses were her fault for panicking like a ninny and shutting the country down, the Prime Ninnyster responded by singing Simon and Garfunkel “The Sound of Silence” #BeingSocialistMeansNeverHavingToSayYourSorry #ItsNotMyFault #SneezeLikeACommunistBoi!
Finally, Steve “I’m so virtuous” Bindall announced “The rich should pay more taxes… and by rich I mean anyone earning over a buck fifty… I mean not me of course… that’s what my accountant is for…” #ICouldn’tJustDonateToLocalCausesMyself
What will happen tomorrow?
