Owen Jennings
Memo to: Executive Council
From: Klaus
Date: May 2024
Subject: Country Update – New Zealand
Guten Morgen.
Our operatives report that plans are in hand in New Zealand. Despite a seeming shift to the despised right, Prime Minister Luxon and his sidekick, Climate Change Minister Watts, are holding the line on warming and are staying staunch on our demands for tight emission targets.
There were some uneasy times when the junior coalition parties appeared to be holding out for a raft of reforms that threatened the excellent progress under the enlightened previous Prime Minister Ardern but, other than a few minor retractions, the country has stayed on its suicidal dive. We managed to sneak Ardern away to a place where her crowd-pleasing skills could be used amongst the gullible in international universities.
Farmers remain a corner where we need to improve our reach. Just when we had the establishment focused on the big numbers around methane emissions and everyone believing rural New Zealand was to blame for 50% of the nation’s warming, some pesky academic interfered with a comment that New Zealand farmers were only responsible for 4 millionths of a degree C per year warming and that was decreasing, not rising. We will not tolerate that type of focus. The last thing we need is influential people claiming ruminant methane emissions are immeasurable and too insignificant to register and tax.
Discussion on Article 2 of the Paris Agreement about not threatening food production should be nipped in the bud. Our friends in the Climate Change Commission need to be more ruthless and put down any of that unhelpful chatter.
The clever choice of a Reserve Bank Governor seems to be holding and our efforts in various University appointments are showing fruit with more ideal appointments and cancellations of irritating right-wingers.
Our sleepers in the country’s major corporates are doing a grand job. We have even convinced some farmer cooperatives to take strong positions on climate change despite a troublesome attack by an outfit called Groundswell. The cooperatives, banks and several large companies are spending up large on climate change mitigation which weakens their balance sheet and opens the door for our well-organised investors like Black Rock to grow our influence.
Undermining meat and dairy products continues to work effectively for us, especially among young people. Help us promote artificial alternatives. We need a hungry, immuno-depleted, anaemic population to ensure the centralised governing system can move into place efficiently and without too much resistance.
The media remain subservient and willing to meet our dictates. Ardern’s move to fund them was quite brilliant and extended our influence dramatically. We may even be able to persuade the Coalition Government to keep it going, with all the chaos following the fund closing out. Even I underestimated the arrogance of young journalists and how easy it was to create rules around contentious issues like the Treaty.
Maori domination and Treaty matters remain a valuable diversion and disruptive element. I must say I quite like some of these new brand of Maori activists – we could use that dedication to control and command our new international, centralised government.
A small number of troublesome, independent blogs need to close down. We will use hate speech regulations to corner them cleverly, isolate them, demonise ringleaders and then root out troublemakers. They remain the last media bastion to be knocked over.
The other worrying area is education. Talk of reform is dangerous. The last thing we need is schools turning out well-educated kids who attend school regularly. A dumbed-down populace is still one of our key planks. A certain David Seymour is in our sights. My view is arrogance will kneecap him if PM Luxon cannot contain him.
Keep up the sterling work, comrades. We know we can deliver a better world with our centralised planning and management. We are nearly there.
Klaus.
