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Satire
T.W.E. potential award-winning Investigative report on the main problem facing Aotearoa
A year-long investigation has been conducted by white supremacist top-expert David Gurnard, T.W.E. assistant cub reporter, on the massive extreme far-right groups hidden in plain sight in Aotearoa.
It involved the “harvesting” of emails, tweeting on Twitter, watching TikTok and having a good chinwag with a bloke down at the pub.
Sensationally, a deep-dive investigation into the sewer of white supremacy has shown a cabal of Maori elites and billionaire bankers/financiers are using anti-vax anti-lockdown protests to divert attention from He Puapua/Three Waters.
Gullible leftwing actors have been secretly funded to appropriate Maori culture and pose as Maori radicals.
According to one harvested email, the police, during their routine surveillance of retail outlets, noticed a marked uptick in the sales of brown shoe polish and marker pens. It is thought that they were being used by the extremists to disguise themselves.
Legislation is being passed at this moment under urgency to ban the sale of brown shoe polish.
Shockingly, harvested emails reveal it is Nanaia Mahuta and all of Labour’s Maori caucus who are in cahoots with the elite extreme far-right white supremacist international bankers and financiers.
The white supremacist elites have struck a deal with iwi elites to take a share of the spoils from He Puapua-Three Waters, while the population’s attention is diverted by Covid.
The emails show iwi have no interest in handling wastewater in the three waters divvy-up, as sewage is culturally offensive – in particular, Pakeha sewage.
It is regarded as beyond the pale – even if it is top drawer, from the better suburbs, highly polished or rolled in glitter.
The consortium of elite financiers have agreed to take it off their hands – for a ‘small’ fee – their opinion being “where there is muck there is brass” – as opposed to just being brass necked like the Maori elite.
On the potable water side, iwi will own the rain, rivers, lakes – basically all fresh water – and receive generous royalties for its use.
The financiers will generously take ownership of the Three Waters’ pipes, as hard mahi such as maintaining them is culturally inappropriate to iwi Maori.
More award-winning top-expert exposés to follow on receipt of the next media government payout.
Poll Slump:
The latest Poll of Political Reporters shows the complete collapse of support for Tova O’Brien even on the left.
Her party, Newshub, has also had a steep dive in the credibility stakes.
Her future is hanging by a thread.
It is not looking good for her reshuffle to Magic Talk next year.
Jessica Mutch McKay has also taken a dive along with her party One News.
Credibility results are:
Newshub 3% Tova O’Brien 1.5%
TVONE news 3.5% Jesssica Mutch McKay 2%
Sources close to Jacinda Ardern say she is distraught at Tova’s failure to foment a coup in the National Party, saying her credibility is shot to pieces and she couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
Further government payouts to Newshub are on hold until a more capable replacement is found for Tova.
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