How Long Do We Hang Around Waiting for a Vaccine?

Now would be an excellent time for a political leader (with a steely backbone) to step forward with a COVID management plan in hand. The coalition government is completely out of ideas after promising much and delivering ineffective quarantine management and testing. Please don’t ask what happened to “test, test, test”. It’s embarrassing.

The prime minister left us with the notion that we would remain in COVID lockdown until a vaccine is found, but the economy will be dead and buried (and us with it) before that happens. An alternative is desperately needed since none of us has any inclination to spend the rest of our shortened lives zipping up the COVID levels and slowly back down again at the reluctant government’s behest. We will thumb our noses and say “been there, done that, not going back”.

The opposition (in name only) replaced their weak leader with a new weak leader. We know this because neither bothered to formulate a COVID game plan without which they have zero hope of usurping this government having proved themselves equally ill-equipped for the task at hand.

The actual opposition is preoccupied (probably with his election game plan) after giving us nothing more than a valid argument against Ardern’s obviously flawed claim that “we went hard and we went early”. Action stations please David, we think you can do this!

In the absence of concrete ideas from the political powerhouse of the country we must resort to employing clever people who can provide plans culminating in the economy charging ahead at full throttle. All within the next 30 days if you don’t mind. The plan that is, not the economy, although it is fair to say the dying economy waits for no man.

Surely visionaries lurk among us; quite possibly they are at home on the couch right now after being made redundant by the lockdown. It was not the virus that wrought substantial economic carnage: it was lockdown. Could someone please enlighten dimwitted newsreaders about the difference between COVID and lockdown? Frustration would be eased and a clear path forward could be forged that avoids a resurgence of what in hindsight we know to be avoidable and unnecessary.

Candidates must have an aptitude for formulating and implementing solutions. We are done with the talk and we are done with the empty promises. Don’t bother looking for talent inside the Beehive because its inhabitants are too busy running around in circles chasing their tails like demented cats.

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Here are some thoughts to get the ball rolling that may result in applications from inspired whiz kids.

1. Abandon the idea of a vaccine. There isn’t one for previous coronavirus infections and although there are claims of being “close” to developing a useable vaccine (Russia claims to be testing as we speak) the timeline is unknown. Note: a plan without a timeline is not an actual plan.
2. Work with our strengths, which are our natural border and a population committed to curtailing the virus and getting back to work. Actually I’ve stretched the truth a little about the getting back to work bit. Back to work incentives are needed after levels three and four lockdown incentivised widespread laziness. But the borders are sound. Sort of. All right, more work is needed to strengthen the border.
3. Open the borders as soon as practical. That is, as soon as COVID protocols are in place and have proved effective. Test, test, test the effectiveness of the protocols.
4. 14 days quarantine with mandatory testing on days three and twelve, as promised but stupidly not delivered.
5. Separation and isolation strictly enforced. No exceptions, with ongoing spot checks of the system’s durability.
6. A negative test result and no symptoms of the virus before release.
7. User contributes to their quarantine costs. The taxpayer picking up the whole tab for visitor quarantine costs is not sustainable but a modest subsidy is a small price to pay to get things rolling again. Hotel rooms must be costing us a small fortune when we are shelling out just under $4k per person. Free holiday anyone?
8. Protect the vulnerable. Wrap the elderly and immune-compromised in testing and visitor protocols that include regular caregiver testing. Facilities that provide these services must stop talking about it and just do it. We won’t be fooled a second time by the “just do it” slogan that turned out to be “let’s just talk about it”.
9. Invest in drugs that lessen the mortality rate of COVID-19. Dexamethasone and hydrochloroquine and anything else clever researchers can experiment with and rigorously check. We have to live with this virus so let’s put effective treatment plans in place.

Applicants should apply to the Housing Minister Megan Woods who has been given responsibility for the managed isolation and quarantine of arrivals. Do not be concerned about the inappropriateness of the minister of housing’s oversight of a health issue and don’t ask where the minister of health is either, because that’s embarrassing too.

Beggars can’t be choosers so if you have the necessary skills please apply and be sure to include an ample quantity of freshly baked pies to improve your chance of success. Don’t forget we need those borders open ASAP or we will all starve. No one will be baking pies or doing anything else if the current situation is allowed to continue unabated.

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