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Crime under Labour Explainer Editor:
Speaking from her turn in the Prime Minister’s Covid bunker, the Minister of Police, Poto Williams, announced today that all deaths caused by shootings will be listed as death by Covid.
“It had become blatantly obvious,” she said, “that deaths by shooting are rapidly outstripping deaths by Covid so something needed to be done to turn the stats around.
“Death by Covid is a much more preferable and satisfying outcome.
“It will also keep our most vulnerable gang members out of prison.
“Our best legal advice is perps cannot be charged with murder if we say the victim officially died of Covid
“So expect the murder rate to plummet.
“As we are doing a further crackdown on firearms, the charge of illegal use of a firearm will now come into play and assist the police greatly by ridding Aotearoa of all firearms.
“In the meantime, the unvaccinated can be shot with impunity – by gang members only – which should quickly increase the vaccination rate and once again make Jacinda number one in the world.
“As Jacinda has emphasised on many occasions we have our own way of doing things here in Aotearoa.”
More COVID News:
Via the official Labour information channel – Twitter – internationally famous Lab Technician and top, top-expert, Dr Siouxsie Wiles, today warned everyone to be on the look out for the virus over the coming months.
“It is easy to spot,”, she said “it resembles my good self – a pudgy, fluorescent pink and green ball.
“But, here’s the kicker, it is covered in spikes so it is easier to differentiate than one would think.
“During the holidays, I would imagine it will be hitching a ride, travelling with double-vaxxed and boostered Aucklanders who will be exiting Tamaki Makaurau in their millions and wandering all across the motu.
“It is tricky – so it will be in disguise, possibly wearing Cartier sunnies, Allbirds and trendy $1,000 pork pie panama hats.
“The giveaway is the huge mouth of sharp pointy teeth.
“So keep an eye out – or both even. It may be on a bicycle wandering a back country road.”
Her Majesty, Jacinda Ardern, Explainer Editor:
Following her previous announcement that booster shots will be available from the end of November, a follow up announcement by Her Majesty, The Prime Minister of Aotearoa, Jacinda Ardern, was made from a hastily improvised Facebook bunker underneath Neve’s bed.
“Aucklanders and fellow Covid hysterions, I feel your pain. I will be making an announcement of an announcement of when you can leave Auckland.
“This announcement is all I have time for,” she said, “as I am in the middle of a game of hide and seek with Neve and the rest of my cabinet.”
However, a source close to Her Majesty was able to leak what the future announcements will deliver.
Our top expert leaker said Jacinda is a top world-leading communicator and she was very careful in how she phrased her announcement of an announcement.
She said that Aucklanders with their green light status will be able to leave but not necessarily travel anywhere across the motu.
Unfortunately, contrary to her previous announcement about no reverse boundaries, Aucklanders, once past the border, will need to circle back as the nation’s top expert modellers have projected the rest of the country will be flashing red, awash with hundreds of thousands of Covid cases.
So while the Auckland border will have been lifted, regretfully other borders will be in place.
On the plus side, Aucklanders will have had a good day out.
Further on the plus side, her top, top experts and top lobbyists say that the six-monthly boosters will be mandated 6 monthly for life but while they are free at the moment that cannot be guaranteed in the future.
Ka Pai
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