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Satire
Dear Editor
I feel I must complain about your writer, JC, who is writing some of the most offensive and libellous articles about our Dear Leader. With titles such as “Is Jacinda Losing It?” and “Has Judith Jinxed Jacinda?”, it is obvious that his intention is to seriously undermine our Prime Minister. This is unacceptable.
I am a fervent believer in free speech, but JC has absolutely no right to speak about our Dear Leader in this way. The lack of respect is unthinkable. Does he not realise that Jacinda has single-handedly saved 80,000 New Zealanders from certain death from COVID-19? You don’t have to take my word for it; those numbers were based on the Imperial College London models that the entire world adopted. The science is settled, and you should know that. Jacinda is a hero, and people thank her daily for saving their lives. JC should bow down and kiss her feet, not throw insults at her.
Nobody else could have handled the Mosque Massacre the way Jacinda did. Donning a hijab at the time was a stroke of genius, which reinforced the slogan – “They Are Us”. She hugged so many people that it was breathtaking. This is true leadership. The rest of the world recognized it, with praise for her hugging from all corners of the globe. Why can JC not see what a hero she really is?
Last week, on unveiling a plaque at the mosque, Jacinda, clad in a hijab again, agreed to introduce tougher hate speech laws so that an event like this will never happen again. She is a true inspiration. Thanks to Jacinda, with new hate speech laws and gun controls that save the lives of our police, we will never see a repeat of such a terrible tragedy. She deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for that.
Jacinda tells everyone to “Be Kind”. Why can’t JC listen to that? We should all be kind. Kindness in a prime minister is a rare phenomenon. Yes, I know your readers spout on about people not being able to see their dying relatives but that was kindness too. Nobody wanted the dying relatives to end up dying of COVID. Any fool, except JC, can see that.
JC claims to be a man, but I doubt that. All men rally around to protect Jacinda. Think of Trevor Mallard in the House, expelling people who say anything mean to her. Then there is Grant Robertson and Chris Hipkins who leap to her defence at the slightest criticism. This is nothing to do with her being their meal ticket, as JC has suggested. It is because she is a precious commodity that must be nurtured at all costs. The last thing the nation needs is for Jacinda to have to take leave with nervous exhaustion, which would be no surprise with the enormous workload she has.
And she’s had a baby! Does JC not realise how awesome she is? The whole world honours her because she has given birth. Nobody can possibly understand how hard that must have been.
Because he doesn’t try to protect her, I believe that JC is not really a man at all. No, his initials give him away. Who else could JC be? Why, Judith Collins, of course. There. I have outed her. Now everyone will know what is really going on. You have the leader of the opposition writing for you, pretending to be a man! Just the sort of thing that scoundrel would do to try to tarnish Jacinda’s reputation. Well, I won’t have it.
I am sure many of your readers will agree with me. JC must go! She is threatening the future stability of our country. Jacinda has a plan! I see her on TV telling us so every night. She hasn’t told us what exactly the plan is, but she will. She is probably just waiting until after the election.
Sincerely
Stu P.D. Lefthard
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