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Satire
Te Paati Maori Explainer Editor:
In a rare show of support Te Paati Maori (the Maori Party) has congratulated ACT and National for forcing the reopening of Parliament and allowing recreational shore fishing under level 4.
Co-leaders Rawiri Waititi and Debbie Ngarewa-Packer said they were thrilled to get back to their favourite white-baiting spot – Parliament.
Revered ancient Kuia, influencer, and quote-of-the-day for all state news outlets, Debbie Ngarewa-Packer, said Jacinda Ardern has been selfishly hogging the limelight during the lockdown.
“My huge fanbase,” she said, “is gagging for more exposures on white supremacism, systemic racism and the dreadful poverty-stricken plight of Maori. I know such things are music to the ears of state media.
“Once again media headlines will be clicked on and the right people will be shamed, cancelled and silenced – ka pai.”
Labour Party Explainer Editor:
Speaking from her private Facebook bunker deep in the bowels of the Beehive Jacinda Ardern has joyfully addressed the nation.
“Fellow Covid hysterions,” she said, “I have solved the vaccine shortage problem.
“We will continue vaccinating at the same breakneck speed but will do less. We will do less even faster than before. As you know less is more in the new normal and as a progressive government we are committed to doing as little as possible.
“Also as a stop-gap, Bloomers is looking into borrowing vaccines from other countries. He has assisting him some of the finest minds available in Aotearoa.
“Dr Souxie Wells the world-famous fluorescent jellyfish expert has been given a $50m grant to investigate how to extract vaccine from the vaccinated so it can be returned once it has been used. No expense is being spared for my team of 5 million.”
Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Deliveries, Grant Robertson followed, delivering a rousing and inspiring speech, reassuring the nation about the vaccine roll out.
“While we may be last in the world at the moment,” he said, “we can all pull together, come from behind and once again make Jacinda the world number one.
“In the words of Covid 19 Minister Hipkins – let’s all spread our legs and root for a speedy vaccine roll-out win win.”
Climate change Explainer Editor
Greta Thunberg has heaped praise on the Taliban for their world-leading stance on climate change.
“As a progressive terror group they are showing the rest of the world the way”, she said.
Taliban leaders invited her to witness first-hand the far-sighted steps they are taking to rid Afghanistan of Climate change.
Climate change scientists – all of whom are false prophets – along with enablers, doomsters and sympathisers – will be rounded up and publicly beheaded.
“The problem will be solved – there will be no climate change in Afghanistan while we are running the country,” they said. “Allahu Akbar.”
James Shaw, Aotearoa’s internationally famous climate change expert, thought to be holidaying in his far north bach, is unavailable for comment at this time.
Woke Sports News:
The All Whites have settled on a new name after publicly denouncing their present one as racist.
Whiteness has to be purged from Aotearoa, they said.
In line with the general mood of the country, from now on, they will be known as The Brown Nosers.
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