Information
Satire
John Black
stuffednz.net
Under new Covid-19 regulations, masks will be legally required during ‘intimate relations’.
Government minister for Covid-19 Hysteria, Dwayne Numpty said the new laws were necessary as “sexual relations are a vector for virus transmission. There was a spike just last Saturday, after the All Blacks won. We considered banning sex altogether but thought that might impact the LGBTQRSP%@* community as it’s pretty much all those guys get up to.”
Masks need to be worn as sex involves the transmission of body fluids, the minister explained, referring to the children’s book Where Babies Come From.
“People will soon get used to it”, said the minister, “My wife has been making me wear a mask during sex for years.”
The BDSM community have welcomed the move. Spokesman Thomas Gimp said that now all New Zealanders would know what it is like to have their heads covered in cold leather while their lovers spanked their bottom forcefully with a hard bamboo cane.
When asked how the new measures would be enforced, the minister replied he would be carrying out spot checks personally,
