Even if he has managed to corral enough MPs to back him, he has been so hobbled by the speculations over his leadership that his already lame prime ministership has been made even lamer, making it likely he limps to the election finish line in second place.
All one need do is carefully examine the tactics responsible for the man’s success. Luckily I’ve done the hard work for you and distilled Trump’s methods down to five key aphorisms.
To highlight the gulf between then and now, I’ve revisited some key political decisions and indulged in a little alternative history. How would the likes of Luxon and Hipkins have fared?
Adult roly-pollies should be approached with caution, particularly amongst the morbidly obese. These muthas can pick up quite a speed and may only be able to be stopped by coastal cliffs or large bodies of water.
I feel the mullahs of Tehran were a mite hasty in going with one of their own. There are other just as worthy candidates far beyond their shores.
The only sure thing is that the same critics will trot out the same arguments against any action on Iran stronger than cancelling the mullahs’ Swiss retirement visas, especially if it’s carried out by their least favourite orange-hued president.
To help those who may not be keeping up, I’ve compiled a list of what is currently considered ‘racist’.
There is a conspiracy operating here, but it’s not a new one: it’s the attempt by powerful men to hide from their wives, and the world, what they like doing with powerless young women.
I reckon Luxon was hustled by some New Delhi sharpies. Turning on the same oily charm my local dairy owner uses to try and sell me two-year-old chicken soup.
Perhaps I’ve been a tad hasty. Let’s get the Don on the phone and recommit to ANZUS and, while we’re at it, let’s see about getting on his Board of Peace overseeing Gaza – I’m sure we can sell the Gazans some milk powder or something.
I will not attempt to tell you what is going to happen, but what will almost definitely not happen.
To help regular fellas wade through the countless novels of female empowerment and homosexual awakenings, here’s my list of ‘books with balls’.
If faced with a hectoring young zealot, or similar political awkwardness, you may have recourse to the following advice.
At this time of year TV and print journos down tools and, rather than do something useful like giving Willie Jackson a festive season scare by looking into certain allegations, instead think up inane Christmas questions to ask politicians.
