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Satire
Netflix Correspondent:
Netflix has signed a contract with Jacinda Ardern to produce a reality TV show about her upcoming marriage.
Based on The Bachelorette it will have an international flavour with a pool of sophisticated, high-powered politician romantic-interests plus the wild card of the unlikely Clarke Gayford – all striving for the hand of the world’s most famous single gal and solo mum PM.
Both Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un have signed up. Donald Trump is reportedly divorcing Melania to become one of the contestants.
Weta studios are creating a female digital version of Idi Amin which will be edited in to make sure all diversity bases are covered.
The eventual wedding will be broadcast live to the world with the head of the UN, António Guterres, acting as marriage celebrant.
When contacted for comment Jacinda Ardern said she was sure it was a dream come true for all Aotearoans.
TWE Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:
The Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, announced today from her Facebook bunker/News Hub that she was putting in an order for five million of Apple’s recently announced augmented reality contact lenses.
They will rely on an iPhone for connectivity, computing power and storage – both the lenses and iPhones will be free to the entire population.
“This will be a breakthrough in my goal to house everyone in luxury and eliminate poverty,” she said.
“For the cost of an iPhone, everyone will virtually live in a mansion and have all the expensive stuff they deserve.”
“Also, everyone will look beautiful, handsome or both. It will be beer goggles without the beer – and the resulting regretful hangover.”
It will also have the benefit of government messages being able to be broadcast visually-enhanced. A built in feature will be checking compliance with diktats.
Miscreants will have their augmented reality removed for selected periods and re-installed for good behaviour.
TWE Crime Explainer Editor:
The Police Minister, Poto Williams, announced today that all Maori gang members will be given gun licences as of right under Te Treaty.
With tears of joy running from her eyes she said, “this one simple progressive move will ensure Maori gang members will no longer be criminals.
“It is such an obvious thing to have done. The fact that it hasn’t happened until now is just another example of National’s nine years of neglect and overshadowing colonialist thinking.”
As legal gun owners it potentially will be a nice little earner for the gangs. The expanded and revised gun buyback scheme will operate in a circular manner.
Another beneficial side effect has also been noted: gang numbers will slowly reduce in numbers through attrition.
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