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Labour Government Explainer Editor
The Minister for Kindness, Jacinda Ardern announced today an announcement on what further actions her Kindness Ministry would do to implement a world-first kindness republic.
“Mongrel Mob chapters will be created in the Police and the Public Service,” she said.
“We need to leverage the growing gang movement to our advantage in the new bi-cultural, co-governance, vibrant Aotearoa,” she said to rapturous applause in her weekly Monday conference call to media editors throughout Aotearoa.
Police heads are ecstatic over their newly created Mongrel Mob chapter, with senior Police korero-person saying, “For too long the gangs have been demonised, it is best that we have people within Nga Pirihimana O Aotearoa who can communicate on the same level as these most vulnerable members of society. They have the best guns anyway.”
All other gangs will be abolished – Mongrels will reign supreme.
Dapper, new uniforms have been designed and will appear on the streets shortly.
Public service heads have welcomed the news and their wahine korero-person said, “We eagerly await the cultural gifts and insight the chapter will bring.”
It is thought the armed forces will get their own chapter as well.
Pot of Gold Explainer Editor:
After the sensational outing of himself on air as a straight white male, a broadcaster has gone on to form a pressure group to gain acceptance for straight white males in the wider community demanding laws legitimising heterosexual relationships in Aotearoa.
The pressure group would be called “Pot of Gold” which everyone knows is found at the bottom of a rainbow.
“For too long”, the Pot of Gold korero-person said, “straight white males have been demonised and subjected to the most vile hate speech – in particular from extreme left brown necks and the present Labour government.
“The Public Service actively discriminates against us and we are vanishing as a presence in all media outlets.
“It is time for all straight males to unite, just be ourselves and not have to hide our true feelings.”
Vegetarian Explainer Editor:
A burger bar staff member went into apoplectic shock when a meat-eater complained after she served him a vegetarian burger instead of a triple meat with bacon.
The burger bar staff member, a vegetarian herself, was rushed to hospital in great distress after her apoplectic episode.
Twitter erupted in outrage, hunting down the meat-eating complainer, managing to get him outed, named, shamed and instantly sacked within minutes.
The Prime Minister’s office issued a statement on the whole matter.
“Meat-eating is so last century: if we are serious about environmental responsibility, all of us should be trying to live sustainably. That means going vegan.
“Maori gardening methods – such as the ones practised at Ihumatao, and those championed by Maori food sovereignty advocates – suggest viable alternatives for sustainably feeding our country’s vegetables into the future.”
WE Editor’s note: I’m sure the Prime Minister meant to say
…feeding our country vegetables into the future.
not …feeding our country’s vegetables into the future.
But then who can be sure…
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