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Holidays
A leaked internal document has disclosed that the government is considering providing more statutory holidays in order to ensure that the return to normal working patterns following any easing of the lockdown will not be too onerous, and to promote inclusiveness.
The proposed national holidays in addition to the current statutory days will be as follows:
Matariki whenever the moon is in the right place.
World Introvert Day January 2nd.
World Read Aloud Day February 5th, a good lead into Waitangi Day.
World Plumbing Day March 11th to stop leaks like this one.
International Day of Happiness March 20th By personal order of the prime minister to ensure that we have at least one day of happiness under her leadership.
Waffle Day March 25th — open to interpretation depending on the meaning of the word ‘Waffle’.
International Tell a Lie Day April 4th A golden opportunity for all political parties to revise manifestos and restate policies without any danger of being nominated for the Pinocchio award.
British National Tea Day April 21st to celebrate our cultural heritage and diversity. On this day it is compulsory to drink tea with our little fingers in the air.
International Unicorn Day April 9th.
World Naked Gardening Day, first Saturday in May (may be moved to the summer for Southland and Otago).
International Fairy Day June 24th. A perfect day to replenish stocks of fairy dust, essential for all governments and leaders.
World Milk Day June 1st, ideal for dairy farmers, also gives greenies a paid day to protest against the dairy industry.
International Joke Day, July 1st. Set aside for telling jokes around the world, NOT to be used for telling jokes against other nations. That would not be inclusive!
International Skinny Dip Day July 11th (Observance discretionary in Southland and Otago).
World Lamington Day July 21st.
International Beer Day August 2nd (Observance mandatory in Southland and Otago).
International Left Handers Day August 13th get right on and support our sinistromanual friends. Not to be confused with the left, far left or hard left.
National Fish and Chips Day September 4th Currently UK only, but will be culturally appropriated for NZ in honour of the Prime Minister.
International Day for Universal Access to Information September 28th, details only on application to the disinformation desk, Lambton Quay.
International Day of Non-Violence October 7th anyone not observing this will be severely dealt with.
Global Handwashing Day October 15th, to celebrate New Zealand’s treatment of Israel at the UN.
World Kindness Day November 13th included at the personal request of the Prime Minister.
International Day of Neutrality December 12th (observance optional)
New Zealand will now become the world leader in statutory holidays, something we can all be proud of. We did think about having an additional day to devote solely to the activity of searching for New Days to add to our list but that will be the subject for a newly appointed committee of stakeholders. This decision will be truly inclusive, having taken opinions from representatives of various iwi, LGBT groups, feminists and non-Maori or European ethnic groups. In the spirit of inclusiveness and because of limited places, applications from over-privileged White Anglo-Saxon Males will not be considered.
PC Joke of the week
I often ask questions of my LGBTQIAPK friends, but I can’t get a straight answer.
Pinocchio award update
The award ceremony has been delayed as the finalists all exceeded the forecast nose growth and the awarding body are having to search for larger premises. They are also getting quotes for larger face masks in order to accommodate the extensive nasal protrusions. Al Jacinda will keep you updated as to developments. We will keep our nose to the ground.
Limerick competition
Even more late entrants continued to flood in, here is one that merits passing on.
There was a young girl called Gollywho sped into town on a lorrythe speed should be seenbut because I’m a greenI’m allowed to behave like a wally
Dateline London 9th September: –
The Metropolitan police were called to Thames House, 12 Millbank, Westminster, London SW1P 4QE after a report of a walk-in burglary involving the theft of sandwiches, a flask of coffee and sundry assorted doughnuts. Following the trail of crumbs, they crossed the river to 85 Albert Embankment, Vauxhall, London where they gained entry and found a man sitting in reception munching a doughnut. He identified as Alexander Bortnikov, a visitor from Moscow who was a tourist researching buildings of architectural merit in London. After being searched he was found to be in possession of excess amounts of duty-free phials of perfume and was charged for the duty and VAT, and a penalty fine was administered. He was then sent on his way with a cheery “mind how you go” from London’s finest, whilst muttering “I must find Karla” under his breath.
Intelligence Report
There has still been no evidence of intelligence found in the governance of the UK this week.
Alice in Wonderland Award (AIWA)
The Queen has announced the creation of a new award – The AIWA (not to be confused with a reputable far east supplier of electrical goods).
The AIWAs will be awarded in various categories: best U-turn by a minister, best U-turn by a female minister, most stupid comment by an opposition MP (this will be hotly contested with Diane Abbott and Dawn Butler being hot favourites). There will also be a new award – The biggest fib told by an overseas politician. On a regional basis, there is an award for the best money saving idea from a minority group that went unadopted by the Government. In London this will probably be won by a member of the White British category.
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