“Fritz,” bellowed Klouse (the K is silent) Swab, chair of the board of trustees of the WEF (Worthless Eugenicist Fascists). He still liked to turn up to his office and pretend that he was the dictator of the world. “Komm sofort her.” [Come here immediately.]
Fritz instantly glided as though on wheels to Klouse’s desk and bowed obsequiously.
“What is it you require my great Führer?” he enquired.
Klouse tapped his almost 87-year-old claw on his computer screen. “Be looking at zis horrible sight vich the balls of mein eyes have been subjected to,” he growled.
Fritz peered at the screen. “Oh, that is the Justinda Ardeau woman,” he noted. “You may recall that you set her up with a cushy life and ensured that she was tossed many millions of dollars from various sources.”
“Ja, of course I am zees facts remembering,” grumbled Klouse. “I am not yet altersschwach [senile, decrepit]. But I recall zat she was told to take the cash, make a few speeches a year and disappear. But now I find zat zere is about her a documentary, and the useless creature is alvays popping up: first in zis place and zen in zat place.”
“Yes, this is indeed happening,” confirmed Fritz. “The problem stems from the stupidity of some of our own useful idiots who have believed all the propaganda that has been spread like muck from a muckspreader, which is an implement that I understand is widely used in her country of OurTearRoar. They of course, do not know that she is, to put it mildly, hated in her own country. They mindlessly worship her.”
“Now zey are giving awards to zis ridiculous documentary,” complained Klouse. “Ve are all knowing zat she is being a hohlköpfig [brainless, empty-headed] creature. I never vas so glad to see the back of vone of my vorld leaders. And I am pleased zat the Castro boy in Canada is going.” He emitted a sombre sigh. “Remind me, Fritz, who is being the leader of zat country she came from – you know, the big pine plantation?”
“You mean New Pineland, as we now call it here at the WEF,” said Fritz. “It is now being run by the Cluxon kerl [chap, fellow].”
“Oh ja, the airline kerl,” said Klouse. “He vas always vun of ours being. The bald mann vith the resemblance to Benito Mussolini.” He sighed nostalgically. “Ah a gut mann vas Benito. But I am fearing zat zis Cluxon does not the ability of Benito have. How is he doing at finishing the job the completely untalented but naturally diktatorisch [dictatorial] Ardeau almost completed?”
Fritz added to Klouse’s chorus of sighs. “He is doing quite well, mein Führer,” he said hesitantly. “Herr Cluxon is succeeding beyond our expectations at continuing the racial division that we encouraged with the Ardeau. Also, he is so wedded to the climate change deception that he has decided to destroy his country for it.”
Klouse nodded as vigorously as his wizened neck would permit. “Ah gut, gut, Fritz, zis is as ve instructed him. The country must be destroyed economically by ze ruinous debt. I also haff noticed zat zey have allowed savages into zeir Paliament. Zis is pleasing to see. If I recall correctly, ve arranged for zat walartig [whale-like] kerl to be appointed ze speaker in order to make the parliament into a joke. Braunlie I believe was the person. The kolossal [behemothic, humongous] man. It is very good to see zat he is so vell succeeding.”
“Yes, it is true, they have managed to turn their parliament into a bad joke,” agreed Fritz. “But we need Cluxon to win the election in 2026 to finish the job and I fear that he has made his antipathy to his voters too clear, too early. We had hoped that his voters would be slower to realise that he is one of us, but many are now realising this due to his over-enthusiasm.”
Klouse looked angry. “Ve specifically told zis hanswurst [buffoon, clown] not to move too quickly, Fritz. I remember saying so myself last time I spoke to him. Vhy cannot zees people obey the instructions simple? Haff ve not got the problems enough already Fritz? Are the problems not lined up like lemmings at the top of the cliff? The Trump, Poilievre, Farage, Orban, AfD, Le Pen, Milei, Meloni...ve haff suffered severe blows Fritz.” He glanced furtively around his office. “Sometimes,” he whispered, “I think zat ve have in our efforts failed. Maybe the New Vorld Order vill be the old order stronger than before. Maybe the lemmings are the wrong way going and have leapt up from the sea to the top of the cliff.”
Fritz again gave a doleful sigh, before also furtively glancing around Klouse’s office. He well knew that the glorious New World Order loved to spy even on its own. Even though he had swept the office for listening devices that morning, he was still cautious.
“I too worry, mein Führer,” he whispered. “The leadership we selected as being simple and compliant have become egotistical tyrants through believing their own propaganda. We made it clear to them all that they were there only for financial reward that depended on their realising that they were our tools. Unfortunately these tools have succumbed to their egos. This Cluxon fellow has begun to acquire a taste for dictatorial extremism. He doesn’t realise that he is no longer running an airline and that he is expendable.”
“Zis is true being,” sighed Klouse. “Vhat the solution is I do not yet know. But until zen, I have a temporary solution, vich is: bring me schnapps, Fritz, followed closely by more schnapps.”
Fritz clicked his heels together. “As you wish, so shall it be done, mein Führer,” he said, raising his arm in the well-known salute.
Klouse.
