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Satire
New World Order Explainer Editor
The World Health Organisation has warned that the Covid-19 Omicron variant poses a “very high” global risk and states that unless it is stopped from spreading it will cause havoc.
A spokes them/they person for WHO said the Omicron variant, which so far only causes mild symptoms with no hospitalisation or death, needs to be confined to Africa as we don’t want this to become the dominant form in the rest of the world.
If it was just like the common cold and life started to return to a semblance of normality, the building of a whole new world order would come to a grinding halt.
Weeds, Vegetables and Other Plants Explainer Editor
Speaking via TikTok, from a cycleway in a remote part of Southland, David Clark, Minister of Vegetables and Lycra gave a brief update on the Plant Variety Rights bill he is steering through parliament.
“While I haven’t read any of it,” he said, “I have been assured by my Maori Caucus Kaitiaki (guardian) everything is ka pai and nothing to worry about.
“Basically all plant species both indigenous and exotic will be given taonga status – as Jacinda was saying to me the other day, who wouldn’t want to treasure, and be kind to, all plants, by giving them a variety of rights.
“We can all sleep better knowing that Iwi as Kaitiaki (guardians) over all plant species both indigenous and exotic – existing within the Maori paradigm (Aotearoa) – will be guarding and protecting.
“A small fee will be required of course but that is a mere trifle – or, should I say, he paku – in the scheme of things.
“Work is underway, to continue to fulfil our obligations under He Puapua to apply the same rights to all fauna, both indigenous and exotic.
“It will mean shifting unimportant stuff to Iwi like licencing for irrelevancies such as trout fishing and hunting.
“As taonga, all livestock and pets will also require a small fee for Iwi guardianship but the average person will not notice any inconvenience.
“So nothing to see here. Happy cycling.”
Green Thinking Explainer Editor
Speaking from her hospital bed, Julie Anne Genter, Green party korero-person for noxious gases and green stunts, announced to the world that cycling to the hospital at 2 am to give birth, needs to be made compulsory everywhere.
“My heroic world-first cycling effort of two in a row has caught the imagination of female news editors worldwide,” she said.
“I have shown the way women can single-handedly solve the climate change emergency presently threatening civilisation with destruction.
“Long term, I would like to see everyone cycle to the hospital as it would cut out the need for those ghastly CO2 emitting ambulances.”
However, The Prime Minister, Her Highness Jacinda Ardern, sounded a note of caution over the idea.
“As you all know”, she said, “we prefer the pedestrian approach in everything – we move with an abundance of slowness – so walking would be a more suitable option.”
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