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We are such lucky, lucky people privy to the imminent unveiling of an official new language to replace the cumbersome bunch of three languages that few will master and even fewer understand.
Streamlining three sub-standard languages into one easily understood language makes perfect sense, and of course the phrase “three becoming one” has a delightfully mystical ring. Permission is granted to reference the Shire in your thinking about the “one ring to rule them all” but under no circumstances should you consider Princess Di’s crowded marriage of three to be coveted, because the PM’s media people insist on a positive spin for the new language.
The truth is, the PM and her media adorers have been competing with the sign language crew for quite some time now, and unfortunately for the sign language crew they are losing. Something simply had to be done.
A progressive new language from a progressive government means when enough people demonstrate proficiency we will all enjoy intelligible conversation.
A lucky break is well overdue for the long suffering among us who still struggle to decipher the six o’clock news’s unintelligible language mix.
But do not despair! Soon you will be able to turn on your television and learn Manglish which, as you guessed, is a merry mangle of Maori, English and sign language.
No more wondering what newsreaders actually mean when they open their mouths because, as the PM so eloquently put it, “When you see it you will know it”, and it is certain she also meant to add, “When you hear it you will know it too”.
The PM and her devoted followers, the media, have very kindly donated lessons for free. I know! Another gift from a generous leader and her adoring media who just can’t stop giving!
Tips on who to watch for the most advanced skill set: in the upper body appendages department Tova O’Brien wins hands down. Learners will benefit enormously from her unique ability to relentlessly flail her arms and chop her hands through the air at speed.
You can try, but my money is on O’Brien beating anyone in the “exaggeration for emphasis” department, an essential requirement of skilful Manglish. Let’s be honest here: who hasn’t leapt from their seat in alarm at O’Brien’s decisive chop, chops downwards with the sides of both hands, cleaving open an obstacle just out of camera range as she lays bare the real news beyond the facts; or leaned back in awe at her expansive, open handed, palms raised to the ceiling gesture of honesty? Truly that woman has a gift.
Naturally, the prime minister excels at using hand movements that display authority and honesty too, but the truth is, she is in a class of her own in the head cocking, wobbling and nodding department. Her extreme head angles and vehement movements leave any competition well behind. Because of her natural modesty we take great delight in revealing her considerable skill in facial contortions as well.
Credit must be given where it is due, and the following screen shots and photos capture that extraordinary ability. Well done prime minister!
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