The BFD | Sequel to Get Stuffed, Stuff!

Lindsay Perigo
solopassion.com

A reader has acquainted me privately with the full text of the begging letter from Woke-Stuff. It couldn’t be more perfectly Orwellian in its use of noble words to mean the exact opposite of what these ignoble savages really mean:

At Stuff, our mission has always been to provide you with trustworthy, accurate and reliable news and information. We’ve never taken your support for granted. And we need it now, more so than ever, to fulfill our duty to you.

Translation: At Stuff, our mission has latterly been to pull the wool over your eyes with lies and disinformation in the cause of Wokery. We’ve taken your support for granted, but we need it now more than ever to fulfil our betrayal of you.

This commitment is more vital than it’s ever been, particularly in light of the challenging times we all find ourselves in. And we remain a trusted source of information even though, like news organisations everywhere, we’re under growing commercial pressure.

Translation: We know you’ve seen through us, and that we’re screwed. And we’re panicking.

For more than 150 years, our news and information services have relied on your support, either through subscribing to our newspapers, consuming news via our websites, or indirectly through the patronage you provide to those who advertise with us.

Translation: For more than 130 years our news and information services deserved your support because that’s what they were. For the last few years they have not deserved your support, because they became woke fake news and disinformation disservices.

Now there’s a new way you can support our journalism: By making direct financial contributions to help power our local and national news teams up and down the country and our award-winning investigations.

Each time you contribute, you’re helping our journalists continue to do what they do best: Sort the facts from the fake news and report on the things that matter to you in your daily life. Your contribution will enable us to shed light on our nation’s most important issues, and continue to question those in power.

Translation: Each time you contribute, you’re helping our Social Justice Warriors do what they do best: Sort the facts from the fake news and go with the fake news. Your contribution will enable us to prevent the shedding of light on our nation’s most important issues, and continue to lick Jacinda’s totalitarian boots.

As our traditional means of funding journalism decline – advertising in particular – the direct support of our readers will become even more important.

Today, open and robust public discourse is under great threat. Together, with your support, we can continue to play our role in safeguarding a free and open society, and fostering a democracy that’s accountable to all its citizens.

No matter how small or large, know that your support is making a difference in sustaining the values of freedom and openness that mean so much to each and every one of us.

Translation: Today, open and robust public discourse is under great threat—from us! And rightly so! Together, with your support, we can continue to play our role in destroying a free and open society, and fostering a tyranny that is accountable to nothing except the memories of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. No matter how small or large, know that your support is making a difference in obliterating the values of freedom and openness that mean nothing to us and that, in fact, we hold in utter contempt.