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Labour Government Explainer Editor – Exclusive
During the weekly conference call to media news editors, the Minister of Groceries and Bicycle Clips, David Clark, revealed that the two ‘competing’ supermarkets would be rolled into one and nationalised under a new ministry, Kaihoho Aotearoa.
“The two supermarkets are a duopoly,” he said, “so they may as well be be a monopoly for the State – which has a proud track record of delivering efficiency and fairness.
“As we have proved, increasing benefits is a waste of time – the money goes directly to supermarket owners, homeware merchants, landlords and used car salesmen.
“Pretty much $50 billion of newly printed cash has disappeared into the deep pockets and short arms of neoliberal capitalists.
“This malarky has to stop – the rich just get richer while the poor get poorer. It makes sense that the State, Jacinda’s team of 5 million, gets rich instead.
“We are kicking off our plan to nationalise everything by starting with supermarkets.
“I canned the idea of a competing state supermarket chain as due to our other far-sighted policies we would be competing for a shrinking resource: food, which would only drive up prices – nationalisation and getting rid of the competition is the only answer.
“We will cut prices and simplify things by slashing the number of items offered – too much choice just causes confusion so the lack of it will shorten the amount of time our most vulnerable wander around the aisles in a befuddled and confused state.
“We will revolutionalise the shopping experience by sending out texts alerting cohorts when they can pick up their ration of meat – a nutritious sausage made from sawdust, horse dung, chicken feathers and kale stalks.
“Unfortunately due to temporary technical problems in grinding recycled cardboard and old shoes, bread will be restricted to the traditional long queues.
“Toilet paper supplies in the interim will also be restricted to old but unread newspapers until the massive backlog of media subscriptions the government bought are used up.
Three Waters Explainer Editor
The Minister of Separatism and Utu, Nanaia Mahuta, has set up a tribunal to investigate and assess the amount “the others” will pay for the use of Maori water.
The tribunal is to be composed of ariki (Maori aristocracy) steeped in tikanga (Maori lore) – representatives from every iwi and hapu will be mandated to take part. It is expected to be in place for the rollout of Three Waters later this year.
The $500 million a year tribunal will mull over the thorny question of how much the colonist, white privileged racists will pay on an annual basis for the roughly 60% of water their bodies are composed of.
After the announcement, a blood-curdling haka and soulful karakia broke out. Kuia took to the street, weeping with joy, with one saying, “Every time I see one of those supremacist colonists, I see a walking example of stolen Rangi tears (sky father-rain).
“Future for our rangatahi was bleak but now with justice in sight there is hope”.
Jacinda Ardern will make a full heartfelt and huggy apology to Maori over this treaty breach next week.
Hangi pits are being dug all over the country in anticipation.
Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor
Prime Minister Jacinda has announced the creation of a new ministry which she will head to complement Grant Robertson’s Delivery Ministry. It will be the Ministry of Refuting.
Just as Minister Robertson doesn’t actually deliver anything other than monitoring no-deliveries, Jacinda, as the head of the new refuting ministry will not be required to disprove any assertion made to her by using argument or evidence.
Jacinda, verified by international women’s magazines as one of the worlds great thinkers, if not number one, does not need to waste her precious time with rebuttal and facts – just saying: “I refute that” is all the proof that is needed.
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