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Satire
Terrorism Explainer Editor:
Reliable sources say the extremist video collection of deceased terrorist Ahamed Aathill Mohamed Samsudeen included a contentious documentary by Patrick Gower.
Authorities are deciding whether or not this played a part in the paranoid maniac’s hatred of white people.
Reliable sources also say authorities are investigating Patrick Gower over his continued divisive attacks on white New Zealanders:
White supremacy is not the Ku Klux Klan or a skinhead with tattoos.
White supremacy is someone somewhere in New Zealand, looking at the internet (on) places as open as YouTube and getting divisive ideas.
“A white supremacist today is much more likely to be someone behind the computer than a skinhead…
Patrick Gower
Sources also say authorities are very disturbed that Gower thinks the Klux Klux Klan aren’t white supremacists but rather that millions of ordinary white YouTube users are – and that at any time one of them could run amok and start shooting Muslims.
Such gross generalisations and extreme divisiveness would make any brown person paranoid, sources say.
WE Trans News: New Covid-19 campaign
Media Influencer, Mr Ed the talking horse, has come out of retirement as Mrs Ed to front a new round of storybook time for children in libraries.
In a deal thought to be worth millions, Mrs Ed will caution children against taking the infamous horse medicine Ivermectin.
"Hello, children I'm Mrs Ed" A horse is a horse of course of course And no one can talk to a horse of course. That is of course unless the horse Is the famous Mrs Ed! Go right to the source and ask the horse. I'll give you the answer that Jacinda's endorsed
Serious Fraud Explainer Editor
Reliable sources say Jacinda Ardern is under investigation by the Serious Fraud Office.
A Serious Fraud Office spokesperson/it/them said the Covid-19 lockdown vanity project has not only cost the country $60 billion in borrowing but untold billions in lost revenue. “A boondoggle if ever I saw one,” they said.
When asked for comment the Prime Minister said, “I thought everyone knew I know nothink about anythink.”.
“Why do people keep asking me tricky questions? Don’t be so judgey – stop wasting my time.”
Labour Thinking Explainer Editor
Speaking from her Facebook Bunker deep in the bowels of the beehive the Prime Minister Jacinda laid out her latest ruling to make Aotearoa a safer and kinder place.
“All knives,” she said, “will be banned for the general public and only those such as butchers and professional whittlers will be allowed to own them.
“Special licences and categories similar to firearms will be administered by the police.
“Knife buybacks will roll out once the whole country is in level two.
“To be on the safe side all cutlery will be banned as well.
“It’s just a small sacrifice to make everyone safe.
“In my circle of friends, everyone eats with their hands anyway”…
Jacinda Ardern Explainer Editor:
In a live interview with a breakfast host, Jacinda Ardern admitted she was not a complete idiot.
When pressed if she was half or three-quarters idiot she said as she didn’t have the information to hand she would be making an announcement about an announcement to clarify matters sometime in the future.
Critics rushed to point out it was just another example of her failure to complete anything.
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