Tom Valcanis
Life-long politics tragic, digital marketer and writer. Articles in the Age/SMH, the Big Issue, the Spectator, and editor of alt lifestyle mag Hysteria from 2016–2020. An advocate for free speech, free markets, and small government.
Greetings, New Yorkers! It’s me, from your future.
Well, not quite. I live in the Socialist Republic of Victoria, Australia. It’s what your fellow New Yorker Jerry Seinfeld called the anus of the world. He wasn’t entirely wrong.
After a decade of socialist – oh silly me, democratic socialist – government, Melbourne has been dragged down from one of the world’s most liveable cities to a crime-infested, business deprived, pothole ridden, er… anus of the world.
Your Bolshy boi and Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani resembles the smiling assassin Victoria embraced back in 2014. The lockdown king, the corruption master, the Commonwealth Games rug-puller, the accountability dodger extraordinaire, dictator adjacent, The ““““Honourable”””” Daniel Michael Andrews.
Despite vowing to stay on for a record third term, he buggered off and handed the reins to “Socialist Barbie” Jacinta Allan. Though she didn’t kill 800 people through a bungled hotel quarantine, she is overseeing at least one stabbing incident a day, near enough.
Victoria is woke, broke, and broken.
New York will be too. Congratulations!
Let’s look at every policy overlap and see how that’s gone for us long-suffering Victorians.
They’ll definitely stop doing all the crimes after being set free for 13th time.
Universal Childcare. Heavily subsidised and regulated childcare in Victoria costs about $13.75 per hour, with families using it an average of 33 hours a week. Imagine paying your weekly rent again for some random to care for your kid: but you don’t have to in Victoria! It also costs the Feds $3.89 billion to keep costs… affordable?
Oh, and Victoria uncovered a massive hive of endemic child abuse – with some cases so heinous it almost defies belief – with incidents increasing by 84 per cent under the Andrews/Allan junta over the past three years.
Next is his proposal to make buses free. Remember: if the price of something is free then demand is infinite. Jacinta Allan will make public transport free for kids, which will cost $318 million over four years, despite not having any money. No really, we’re the most indebted state in the world and that debt will reach an estimated $259 billion by 2029. I’m sure it’ll work out fine for you guys, though.
She also wants to expand the train system for no real rhyme or reason, for a cool $34.5 billion. What is it with socialists and building shitty metros?
Mamdani also wants to socialise grocery stores, or as we call them, Coles and Woolies. Victoria wants to (re)-socialise the energy commission, which will see already sky high energy prices more than likely rise. Cost of living relief, hooray!
So how do all these wonderful goodies come about? Well, with new taxes. It feels like the Allan government is a machine dedicated to churning out new tax legislation, because it is. Allan has equalised the people through pushing their stretched businesses into receivership (350 per day!) and seeing us flee the state for literally anywhere else.
Victoria, a state with a population of seven million, lost 55,000 residents over March 2020 to September 2024. Some reality TV auctioneer (it’s a thing) who never leaves his inner city enclave doesn’t understand why people don’t want to live in Melbourne: “many of the big corporate offices are there, the best sporting events are there – it doesn’t stack up”. Did you say stab up? Oh, my mistake. Can’t hear you above all the cries for help.
Who would invest in a state where you get taxed for owning a home, renting it out, living in it, not living in it, selling it, if it gains value and you don’t want to sell it, or want to set it up as an AirBnB? Any takers? Mamdani also wants to re-introduce rent control – rent price freezes – which Thomas Sowell describes in his landmark Basic Economics as a terrible idea. It pushes out poorer families, squeezes owners on maintenance costs, which reduces quality, and de-incentivises new housing investment.
Allan is fine seeing residents line up 50-deep for one crappy rental, though she’ll give away new housing to immigrants no worries. Homelessness is up 24 per cent since the last census. She said she’ll build 2.2 million new homes by 2051, which anyone with a brain says is impossible.
Melbourne has been dragged down from one of the world’s most liveable cities to a crime-infested, business deprived, pothole ridden, er… anus of the world.
Oh, and Victorian business investment is second lowest in the nation and had the poorest business confidence. Been to a networking event in Melbourne lately? I’ve seen cheerier funerals. I suppose New York has more rich people per capita to tax… for now.
Mayor Mamdani has a bleeding heart for the disadvantaged and so does Premier Allan. Remember the glory days when Giuliani cleaned up the streets, leading to a 56 per cent reduction in violent crime? Hold on to your wallets, boys! Mamdani says he doesn’t want to defund the police, but socialists… sorry, democratic socialists will say anything to get elected. He wants to create a department of community safety, sort of like how Stabcinta Allan will try to social engineer people into the New Socialist Wom*n, which has gone down a treat.
Give people power to defend themselves? Nah, it’ll be fine. Youth offender? It’s okay, you can hack someone half to death and go on holiday after. Criminal incidents per 100,000 people are up 16.3 per cent over last year. Violent crimes against the person are up 8.2 per cent and property crimes are up 19.1 per cent. Her solutions? That crims will voluntarily hand in the primary weapons that enables their crime and dump them in overpriced bins. Oh, and they’ll definitely stop doing all the crimes after being set free for 13th time.
So, look forward to all of that.
If Letterman was still on the air, that bold announcement of “Live from New York: the greatest city of the world” will ring hollow in time, trust me. Let’s hope your dalliance with socialism… my bad, democratic socialism, will land New Yorkers in the arms of someone more libertarian sooner rather than later.
This article was originally published by Liberty Itch.
